Bloodsucking fiends: a love story

people have been oppressed for hundreds of years. It's time to strike back. Look, you don't have your MBA yet – they haven't completely juiced you of your usefulness yet. Would Martin Luther King back down from this challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don't you have a dream? Don't you feel good, like you knew that you would, now?"
    Lash shook his head. "I have to study in the morning, man."
    "Troy Lee? Samurai tradition? You're the only trained fighter here."
    "I'm Chinese, not Japanese."
    "Whatever. You're a kung-fu guy. You can reach into a guy's pocket and take his wallet before he knows it's gone. No one has reflexes like you."
    "Okay," Troy said.
    Tommy stopped on his way to the next man. "Really?"
    "Sure, I'll help you. Simon was a good friend."
    "Wow," Tommy said. He looked to Gustavo. "Well?"
    Gustavo shook his head.
    "Viva Zapata!" Tommy said.
    "Leave him alone," Troy Lee said. "He's got a family."
    "You're right," Tommy said. "Sorry, Gustavo."
    Troy Lee got up and stood in front of the other Animals. "But you fuckers. You worthless bags of dog meat. If Simon could see you he'd shoot every one of you. This could be the best party we ever had."
    Drew looked up. "Party?"
    "Yeah," Troy Lee said, "party. We drink some brews, kick some ass, dismember some monsters – maybe pick up some babes. Christ, Drew, who knows what kind of shit we could get into. And you're going to miss it."
    "I'm in," said Drew.
    "Me too," said Barry.
    Troy looked at Jeff and Clint. "Well?" They nodded.
    "Lash, you in?"
    "Okay," Lash said without conviction.
    "Okay," Tommy said. "Let's throw the truck. We can't start until morning anyway. We'll figure out a plan and get some weapons then."
    Troy Lee held up a finger. "One thing. How do we find the vampire?"
    Tommy said, "Okay, let's get to work."
    Morning found the Animals in the Safeway parking lot, drinking beer and discussing the strategy for finding and disposing of a monster.
    "So, as far as you know, drugs don't affect them?" Drew asked.
    "I don't think so," Tommy said.
    "Well, no wonder he's pissed off," Drew said.
    "What about guns?" Jeff asked. "I've got Simon's shotgun at my house."
    Tommy thought for a moment before answering. "They can be hurt; I mean, damaged. But Jody heals incredibly fast – this guy might even be faster. Still, I'd rather have a twelve-gauge against him than nothing."
    Barry said, "A stake through the heart always works in the movies."
    Tommy nodded. "It might work. We could try it. If we get that far, we can cut him up, too."
    "Spearguns," Barry said. "I've got three of them. A CO 2 model and two that use elastics. They won't shoot far, but they might pin him down while we cut him up."
    "I've got a couple of short fighting swords," Troy Lee interjected. "Razor sharp."
    "Good," Tommy said. "Bring 'em."
    "I'll bring the Word," Glint said. He'd been shouting "Get thee behind me, Satan," all night, putting the Animals on edge.
    "Why don't you just go home and pray," Lash said, giving Glint a push. "We need some action here." He turned from Glint and addressed the group. "Look, guys, spearguns and swords are great, but how do we find this guy? The cops have been looking for him for three months, and they obviously haven't had any luck. If he's really after Tommy, then the best thing we can do is ambush him at Tommy's apartment. And I'm not sure I want to face him when he's awake. Simon was my friend too, but he was also one of the quickest people I ever met and the vampire took him out like he was a baby. And the paper said that he was armed. I don't know…"
    "He's right," Drew said. "We're fucked. Anyone want to catch the ferry to Sausalito and terrorize some yuppie artists? I've got mushrooms."
    "Shrooms! Shrooms! Shrooms!" the Animals chanted.
    Suddenly there was a staccato clanging, like someone banging on a garbage-can lid with a stick, which is pretty much what it was. The Emperor, who had been silent all night, stepped into the circle. "Before your spines go to jelly, men, take heart. I've been thinking."
    "Oh, no!" someone shouted.
    "I think I have a way to find the fiend and dispose of him before sundown."
    "Right," Drew said sarcastically. "How?"
    The Emperor picked up Bummer and held out the little dog as if he were displaying the Holy Grail. "Pound for pound, a better soldier never marched, and a better tracker never sniffed out a sewer rat. I've been so stupid."
    "Beg your pardon, Your Majesty," Tommy said. "But what the fuck are you talking