Bullheaded

him, Cody had seen hands on his skin, a mouth over his cock, and they didn’t belong to him, Cody. The idea of Johnny being loved, discovered, and known by other men was unbearable, and he had no control over it. No way to stop it.
    He stripped and stood under the shower until the hot water gave out, trying to wash the stain of his trick from his soul. It didn’t work.
    He hadn’t cheated. Johnny was the one who’d left. Johnny was the one who had said you’re not good enough.
    Cody sat on the porch drinking beer, and pitched each bottle out into the grass as he polished it off, even though he knew he’d have to pick them all up tomorrow. Tonight the only thing that mattered was obliterating the images and the gaping void of loneliness. Cody just wanted to forget, for just a few minutes, to get some relief. But it didn’t seem to matter how much he drank. All that happened was he was miserable, drunk, and had to pee a lot.
    Finally Cody staggered inside and fell onto the bed and stared out the window until the sky was light. He couldn’t stay on the ranch all summer, fighting images of Johnny every direction he turned. Tomorrow he would call Dub and ask him to ride the summer exhibition circuit with him.
    When he couldn’t stand lying there sleepless any longer, he got up. There was work to be done. That was the day he found Johnny’s bull-riding gear, his helmet, chaps, and vest. He buried his face in the leather vest as if he could find some lingering scent from his lover.

    “A REN ’ T you going to shave?”
    “What’s the point?” Cody snarled. The hangover had kicked in and his head was throbbing.
    “Just because Johnny’s gone is no reason to look like a homeless bum.” Val set a plate on the table in front of her son.
    “I don’t care.”
    “Of course you care. You don’t drink a case of beer just for fun.”
    Stung, Cody mustered up the energy to yell. “It wasn’t a fucking case of beer! He’s gone and it’s over. There’s nothing to say!”
    “Don’t shout. I’m not deaf.” Val sat down with a cup of coffee. “Why did you let him go?”
    “He’s a grown man. He can do whatever he wants.” Cody picked up a fork and pushed the food around the plate.
    “And you didn’t try to stop him.”
    “What am I going to do? Tie him up and sit on him?”
    “You could tell him you love him.”
    “I did!” Cody buried his face in his hands. “It’s not fair. He just pissed away everything I did for him like it was worth nothing. I tried to help him.”
    “Maybe he didn’t want your help. Maybe he wanted to be an equal partner.”
    “Who cares what he wanted? I was always walking on eggshells because he was too sensitive. He took things the wrong way. I had plans for us.” Cody stopped speaking, just aware enough to realize arguing wasn’t going to make his mother let him off the hook and put the blame only on Johnny. He knew it was Johnny’s fault, but the knowledge wasn’t making him feel any better. He looked at Val helplessly.
    “What am I going to do?”
    “What do you want?”
    “I want him back.” Cody had to grit the words out between clenched jaw, as if admitting it made him a loser.
    “Get him back.”
    “Just go after him and drag him back by the hair?”
    “Let him get it out of his system first. He might need a little time by himself. Then maybe you can work things out.”
    “Did you know he was—pissed off?”
    “I wouldn’t say he was pissed off. I could see he was thinking things over.”
    “Why didn’t you tell me?” Cody sounded accusatory even to himself, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him.
    “You’re not my little colt that I just dropped in the pasture, Cody. You’re a grown man. You wouldn’t have liked it if I interfered in your business. It never does any good, anyway.”
    “Yeah. You’re probably right.” Cody stared hopelessly at his plate. “What am I going to do?” he repeated.
    “Is it that hard to pick up a phone, dial his number, and ask him how he’s doing? You could tell him you miss him and want him back—”
    The words Johnny had used to hurt him rang in his ears, words Cody didn’t think he could ever forget. “Hell no! I’m not going to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”
    Val sighed. “Then grieve for a while and get over it. Move on and find someone else.”
    “How long? How long does it hurt?”
    “Just because it didn’t last forever doesn’t