Carnal Innocence

afraid to feel.
    Surprised by the chill, she rubbed her arms. It had been enough for both of them. He had wanted her, she had wanted him. It wasn’t worth worrying about.
    Closing her eyes, she took a deep gulp of air. There was a trace of ozone from the last spear of lightning. Exhilarating. The puppy yelped at the ensuing blast of thunder, and she laughed.
    “All right, Useless, I’ll save you.”
    She found him in the parlor with his nose peeking out from the skirt of the couch. Murmuring to him, she gathered him up and walked him like a baby while he shivered.
    “It won’t last long. Storms never do. They just come along to shake us up and make us appreciate the quiet times. How about some music, huh? I feel like music.” She set him in a chair, then picked up her violin. “Passionate, I think.” She ran the bow experimentally across the strings, pausing to tune by ear. “Passionate to match the mood.”
    She started with Tchaikovsky, flowed into a movement from Beethoven’s Ninth, then tried out one of the tunes Jim had taught her before ending with her own rousing interpretation of “Lady Madonna.”
    Dusk had fallen into full dark when she stopped. The knock on the door had her jumping, but it sent Useless streaking out of the room, up the stairs, and under her bed.
    “Maybe I should send him into combat training.” After setting the violin aside, she walked out in the hall. Tucker stared back at her through the screen.
    She found her competent hands suddenly restlessand linked them together to keep them still. “It’s a rough night to be out.”
    “I know.”
    “Aren’t you going to come in?”
    “Not yet.”
    She stepped closer. His hair was dripping. It reminded her how he’d looked after his shower that morning. “How long have you been out there?”
    “I drove up right before you went from that longhair music into ‘Salty Dog.’ That was ‘Salty Dog,’ wasn’t it?”
    Her smile came and went quickly. “Jim taught me. We’re exchanging techniques.”
    “I heard about that. Toby’s real pleased. He’s looking into getting the boy a second-hand fiddle.”
    “He’s talented,” she said, and felt foolish. Why were they discussing Jim with the screen door between them? “The, ah, power went out.”
    “I know. Come outside a minute, Caroline.”
    She hesitated. He seemed so serious, so deliberate. “Has anything happened?”
    “Not that I’ve heard.” He pulled open the screen. “Come outside.”
    “All right.” She stepped through, nerves jumping. “I was wondering before if this rain is good or bad. For the crops, I mean.”
    “I didn’t come by to talk about planting, or about music, if it comes to that.” He dipped his hands in his pockets, and together they watched lightning stalk the sky. “I have to ask you about this morning.”
    “Why don’t you let me get you a beer?” She stepped back, one hand reaching for the screen. “I picked some up the other day.”
    “Caroline.” His eyes glowed against the dark, stopping her cold. “Why didn’t you let me touch you?”
    “I don’t know what you mean.” She pushed a nervous hand through her hair. “I did let you. We made love right in there on that couch.”
    “You let me have you, but you didn’t let me touch you. There’s a difference. A great big difference.”
    She stiffened. The regal look she sent him nearlymade him smile. “If you’ve come out here to criticize my performance—”
    “I’m not criticizing. I’m asking.” He moved toward her, but didn’t reach out. “But I think you just said it. It was a performance. Maybe you needed to act out something that told you you were alive. God knows you had cause to. I’m asking you if that’s all you want. I’ve got more, and I need to give you more. If you’ll take it.”
    “I don’t know. Not just if I want to, but if I can.”
    “I can leave you alone if you need to think about it. Otherwise, you only have to ask me in.” He lifted a hand to her cheek. “Just ask me in, Caroline.”
    Not just into the house, she realized. Into her, physically, emotionally. She closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again he was still standing, waiting. “I’m not a good bet.”
    A smile softened his lips. “Hell, sugar, neither am I.”
    She took a deep breath, then stepped aside to open the screen. “I’d like you to come in.”
    He let out the air he’d been holding. The moment he was over the threshold, he turned and swept