Carnal Innocence

plenty to wake there in Blessed Peace. And there’s poor Birdie, white as a sheet with a gun right to her head. I thought my heart was going to stop on me. Birdie’s a dear friend of mine.”
    “Yes, I know.” Caroline had already heard all this from Carl Johnson, but resigned herself that she would hear it again. And again.
    “When Austin let loose with a shot, I’m not ashamed to say I dove behind my mama’s headstone. It’s a good-sized one, though I had to fight with my brother Dick over the price of it. Dick always was a skinflint. Why, he’ll squeeze a penny till Lincoln shouts uncle. Then Vernon—who’s just as shifty-eyed as his daddy ever was—unlocked those shackles. Next thing you knew, Austin was shoving poor Birdie into that hole right on top of the deputy from Greenville and poor Mavis. All hell broke loose then, let me tell you. Birdie was screeching. Mavis wailing, and that deputy was cussing like a drunk sailor on a two-day leave.”
    Happy’s lips twitched, and she would have bitten back the smile if she hadn’t seen answering amusement in Caroline’s eyes.
    They stared at each other for a moment, struggling for sobriety. Caroline lost first, with a quick snortinglaugh she tried to turn into a cough. Then they were laughing, standing in the bright afternoon sun and howling until Happy had to dig for her hankie and wipe her eyes.
    “I tell you, Caroline, it was a sight I’ll not forget if I live to a hundred. After Austin took off in Birdie’s Buick, I ran over. There they were, all tangled in a heap of arms and legs on top of the coffin. And the first thing I thought—God forgive me—was that it all looked like one of those unnatural sex doings you might see on an X-rated video.” Her eyes twinkled. “Not that I’ve ever seen one, mind you.”
    “No,” Caroline said weakly. “Of course not.”
    “Birdie’s skirts were hiked up nearly to her waist. She’s a bit on the heavy side, is Birdie, and I do believe she’d knocked the wind right out of that deputy when she landed on him. His face was red as a raddish. And Mavis, why she was hanging on to his legs and shouting about the hand of God.”
    “Awful,” Caroline managed to say, then dissolved into laughter again. “Oh, it’s awful.”
    Happy honked into her hankie and fought back a fresh spray of giggles. “Then that young deputy woke up, while those of us left at the cemetery were trying to haul Birdie and the rest of them out. Poor boy was stumbling around, and by Jesus, if Cy hadn’t caught hold of him, he’d’ve tumbled right in with them. It was better than watching I
Love Lucy.”
    Caroline had a picture of Ricky Ricardo doing a headfirst dive into a grave.
Luuu-cy, I’m home!
She sat down on the little stone wall by the impatiens and hugged her sides.
    With a sigh, Happy sat beside her. “Oh, my, I’m glad I got that out. Birdie’d never forgive me for laughing.”
    “It’s terrible. Gruesome.”
    That added another five minutes to their fight for composure.
    “Well now.” Breath hitching a bit, Happy put away her hankie. “Let me call that damn dog. While you’relooking him over, I’ll go get us something cold. Princess! Princess, you get on over here and bring that mutt with you. Only got the one left,” Happy said conversationally, “and you’re welcome to him. Can’t tell you nothing about the father, as Princess ain’t too particular. Going to have her spayed this time. Meant to before.”
    Caroline saw a big, yellow-haired dog, thick-bodied, weary-faced, come ambling across the yard. Running circles around her was a good-sized puppy of the same color. Every few seconds he made a dash under her for one of the floppy tits. Princess, who had obviously had enough of motherhood, would shift cagily away.
    “Here now.” Happy clapped her hands. At the sound, the pup gave up his quest for mother’s milk and cheerfully gamboled over. “You’re a useless little cuss, aren’t you?”
    The pup yipped in agreement, wagging his tail so fast and hard his hind end nearly met his nose.
    “I’ll leave you to get acquainted.” Happy rose. “I’ll fetch us some iced tea.”
    Caroline eyed the pup with a good deal of doubt. Certainly he was cute, and it was sweet the way he plopped his big front paws on her knees. But she was after a guard dog, not a pet. It certainly wouldn’t do for her to develop a fondness for an animal she would have to give away in a few months.
    And though he was