Coda Books 06 - Fear, Hope, and Bread Pudding (MM)

and her well-being, but he never brought up the adoption. He was tactful and proper, in a way only he could be. He even showed her the empty room at the end of the hallway, although it felt like baring part of his soul.
    “It won’t be empty like this,” he said softly.
    She smiled at him. “I know.”
    I was pretty sure he’d won her over, but it wasn’t until the third evening that Taylor finally got down to business.
    “I feel like I should tell you how I’d like things to go, just to make sure there aren’t any misunderstandings.”
    We were seated in our family room. Cole’s casual attitude fell away instantly, and he sat up to give her his full attention. He was beyond nervous—terrified, even—and so excited he could hardly sit still, and yet none of it showed. It was clear to me, only because I knew him so well, but the face he presented to Taylor was perfectly composed. “Of course.”
    “Thomas says you’re amenable to an open adoption.”
    “Is that what you’d like?”
    “Maybe eventually, but not right away.”
    I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. I glanced at Cole to see if he understood, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was focused solely on Taylor. “I’m afraid you’ll have to elaborate a bit, sweetie.”
    She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I know it will sound awful—”
    “I doubt that. You can be honest with us. As you said, it’s important that there are no misunderstandings later.”
    She nodded. Her cheeks were red, and she still seemed unsure of herself, but she took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to breastfeed her. I’ll pump milk for a little while at least, but I think it will be too hard for me to hold her like that. And I don’t want to see pictures of her or hear how she’s doing. Not in those first few days, at any rate. I know that sounds horrible, but I’m afraid I’ll be too emotional after the delivery.”
    Yes, that was the risk. Whether she chose us or some other family, there was the chance that in those first seventy-two hours, she’d change her mind. I was impressed that she’d thought things through so thoroughly. Not wanting to feed the baby seemed like it would work in our favor, but I also thought I’d be a jerk to say so. Cole must have been as dumbfounded as I was, because he didn’t answer either. She sat watching us, waiting for a response, obviously feeling very exposed, so I said, “That’s certainly your call.”
    She nodded, probably relieved that nobody was going to tell her it was the wrong decision. “Everything I’ve read talks about how powerful those first moments are. I’ve tried to be very logical about this decision, and I don’t want to let my emotions get the best of me. And so, I think the best thing is if you hold her first. I mean, not just first, but only you.”
    If you hold her first.
    That one sentence made my heart pound. It made me both thrilled and afraid. She was no longer speaking in generalities. These were specifics, and they were specifics involving us. I glanced over at Cole. I could tell he hadn’t missed the significance of her words. He sat forward, literally on the edge of his seat. His face betrayed nothing, but I noticed how his hands were clenched together in his lap so as not to betray him by shaking. “Are you sure?”
    She nodded. “I am. I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s not only for me. It’ll be better for her, too, don’t you think? Won’t it be better if the first face she sees is the one she’ll see for the rest of her life?”
    Cole sat motionless. It was as if he was afraid of scaring her away or shattering the moment, yet there was something fragile and frightening about his stillness. Something that betrayed the turmoil he was feeling inside.
    Hope and fear.
    I couldn’t stay still any longer. I reached out and took his hand. He didn’t answer Taylor’s question directly. Instead, he asked, “And what about after that?”
    “I don’t know, to be honest. In the event there’s some medical reason you need me, then of course I’m available, but assuming everything’s normal, I’d rather not hear from you.”
    Cole nodded. “All right.”
    “I think it will be best if I don’t have any contact with you until the three of you are settled, and then it will be more about me seeing that I made the right decision. Obviously I wouldn’t be able to get her back, but I don’t even think I’ll want to at that point, because I’ll be back to my