Doctor at Sea

ship’ll be like a bloody harem by eight bells!’
    ‘I don’t think you ought to get over-excited, Three-o. The Misses are probably elderly ladies, pillars of the Mission, and the daughters will most likely be still in short frocks. In any event, you can be sure they’ll be kept under strict supervision by their watchful parents on a ship like this.’
    ‘Steady on, Doc! There’s bound to be some nice bits of crumpet among them. I think I know this one down here, anyway. Used to work in the Company’s offices on Corrientes.’ he rubbed his hands.’ It’s going to be a Happy New Year, and no mistake.’
    Hornbeam was less enthusiastic.’ More work for the bloody Mate,’ he said,’ Half the bunting’s gone mouldy and the Bos’n flogged the canvas awnings in the Canaries last trip. How the hell can I get the boatdeck holystoned and painted in three days? I bet we’re short of Scotch homeward bound on the strength of it, too.’
    A state of despair settled on Whimble. The greater part of the preparations fell to him, and he was expected to account for everything issued from his stores from a crate of Scotch to a jar of Maraschino cherries. Tablecloths, fruit bowls, glasses, and silver came from half-forgotten straw nests in dusty crates stowed under hundredweights of flour, rice, tinned vegetables, and a case of Gordon’s gin he had lost three voyages ago and had been anxiously cooking the bar books to replace ever since.
    ‘Oh dear, oh dear,’ he said, coming out of the storeroom with his shirt stuck to his chest with sweat.’ Balloons they want now! Did you ever hear of it? I don’t know what the office will say when we get home!’
    The balloons were a whim of Captain Hogg’s; he had taken an enthusiastic and forceful interest in the dance, and spent most of the day pacing up and down the boatdeck rearranging the deck furnishings and decorations.
    ‘Mr Whimble!’ he shouted frequently.’ Mr Whimble! Where the devil are you? I think the buffet would be better on the port side. Not so many flies. Get it changed over. What’s happened to Mr Hornbeam? Bos’n, take down number three awning and rig it abaft the funnel so the holes won’t show. Mr Trail, are you supposed to be in charge of lifeboats?’
    ‘Yes, sir.’
    ‘You aren’t fit to sail a toy boat on a paddling pool. Get those ropes stowed properly.’
    ‘Aye aye, sir.’
    ‘Doctor!’
    ‘Sir?’
    ‘Flies, Doctor. The bluebottles from the meat works. They are a sanitary problem, are they not?’
    ‘Yes, sir.Included in the syllabus for the examination in Public Health.’
    ‘You are responsible for them. I don’t want a damn fly on my ship by tomorrow night. Understand?’
    ‘It’s rather a tall order, sir.’
    ‘That’s your look out. Get some insect killer from Mr Hornbeam. I don’t care how you go about it, but there aren’t to be any flies.’
    ‘Very good, sir.’
    I could find only enough insecticide for one spray-gun, and this I gave to Easter with instructions to pump it vigorously round the Captain every time he stepped on to the deck. This seemed to satisfy him. He left me alone until the evening before the party, when he called a conference of officers in his cabin.
    ‘This is going to be a damn good party,’ he began sternly.’ The office expects everyone to enjoy themselves, and it’s bloody well up to you to see they do. Get me? Now listen to this.’ he picked up a sheet of paper from the desk.’ These are the Master’s orders for tomorrow night. One: uniform. Clean number tens, with correct epaulettes and white shoes. Collars to be correctly buttoned up.’ he glared at McDougall, who came to supper comfortably in carpet slippers, with the high collar of his jacket wide enough apart to allow the dragon tattooed on his chest to peep coyly over his second brass button.’ Doctor, you will wear white ducks, white shirt, black tie.’
    ‘And Company’s Regulation Cap, sir?’
    ‘If necessary. Two: Guests are to be met at the head of the gangway by Master and senior officers. See the quartermaster’s in uniform and sober, Mr Hornbeam.’
    ‘Aye aye, sir.’
    ‘Three: No ladies are on any account to be entertained in officers’ cabins, or elsewhere than on the portions of the boatdeck assigned for that purpose.’
    ‘There goes Trail’s evening,’ I whispered to Hornbeam.
    ‘Four: All alcoholic liquors on board to be placed under seal at noon tomorrow and no such liquors to be served to any