Existence 03 - Ceaseless

Would she ever be able to love me in this world where her life wasn’t on the line and she wasn’t fighting for it with me by her side ? I was beginning to see it was impossible. Pagan had fallen in love with me during a time in her life when she wasn’t scared of souls. When it all made sense to her. She’d needed me and I’d been there to protect her. Had she just loved me because of the circumstances? Had this been what the Deity knew all along?
    “She doesn’t know what she wants, Dank. She’s confused and scared,” Gee said with conviction in her voice.
    I’d like to believe that were true. But the reality was that things were different now. The bond we’d formed was no longer something she felt. She was scared of me. She wanted me out of her life. The Pagan who hadn’t lived her entire life seeing souls and experienced the things she had didn’t want to love me. The realization was the worst kind of pain.
    “I can’t stay here. She doesn’t want me. I’m only Death to her.”
    Pagan’s room was dark and her slow even breathing told me she was sleeping. I walked over to her desk and quietly placed the necklace she’d once wanted me to have because her love was unending like the Celtic knot , on top of her notebook . It was hers ; I couldn’t keep it but I couldn’t let anyone else have it either. This was Pagan’s. This was one memory of me that I could leave with her. I walked over to stand beside her bed for the last time. I allowed myself to watch her sleep. From the moment I’d first seen her I’d been watching her sleep. It was a peacefulness I only experienced with her. She’d taught me that I was capable of love. She taught me to laugh. She taught me what it meant to cherish something or someone completely. I would move on and leave her to this life but what we had would always be there reminding me of what I once had. When it came time for her soul to leave this body I would have to find the strength to let the only memory of me she would have be lost forever.
    “Goodbye , Pagan Moore,” I whispered into the darkness.

Chapter Eighteen

    Pagan
    Sleeping on it didn’t make accepting it any easier. It seemed like a really bad dream. I rolled over to see Miranda’s empty bed. Another night with Nathan. I had two female friends here. One was in heat an d always gone. The other wasn’t human. I was truly alone. I reached for my phone and scrolled down my contacts until I found my mother’s number. I needed to hear her voice. This must be what homesick felt like.
    “Pagan? Hey , H oney , are you okay?”
    “I’m okay,” I assured her. I wasn’t one to call home much. The one time we had talked last week had been when she’d called me to see how I was settling in.
    “It’s seven in the morning. I didn’t realize you were capable of being awake at seven in the morning.”
    “Ha. Ha. I have three eight a.m. classes a week , thank you very much.”
    “Oh , well that explains it. This i s a new phenomenon. I had to beat you with your bacon in the mornings to get you up before seven thirty.”
    “I’m a big girl now,” I replied feeling a lump form in my throat. Talking to mom wasn’t making this better. I wanted to go curl up on the couch with her and watch CSI reruns.
    “You sure? Because something sounds wrong.”
    “I miss you,” I managed to choke out without crying.
    “Oh, baby. I miss you too! Are you homesick? I could come visit. Do you want me to come visit?”
    No. I didn’t want her to come visit because I may not let her leave me. “No. I’m fine. I just wanted to hear your voice this morning and tell you that I miss your pancakes. A caramel latte just isn’t the same thing.”
    Mom chuckled into the phone. “Well as soon as you get home for Thanksgiving break I will have pancakes waiting for you .”
    “Thanks. I can look forward to those. I need to go now. I’ve got to get dressed.”
    “Alright. Don’t be late for class. Call me anytime you want to. You’re a beautiful, smart girl and you’ll find your place there real soon.”
    “Okay, I’ll talk to you soon. Love you.”
    “Love you, H oney. Bye. ”
“Bye.”
    I dropped the phone onto the bed and stood up to go get a shower. My eyes landed on the silver Celtic knot that had once hung around Dank’s neck. It was lying on top of my notebook. I started to reach for it and stopped. I wasn’t sure how it got here and why it was here. I’d told him to leave me alone. I didn’t like