Fear of Falling

that. We were having fun. Just getting to know each other. Things were…comfortable. It’s not like he’d ever expect anything more than this .
    Right?
    “Hope you left room for dessert,” I said, once he had polished off another serving. I brought over a covered cake stand from the buffet behind us and set it before Blaine. Then I pulled off the top with a flourish, revealing a Leche Flan adorned with fresh blueberries and raspberries.
    “Oh my God,” he breathed. “I think I love you.”
    Thank sweet baby Jesus the cake cover was plastic, because it was on the floor.
    We both scrambled to pick it up, though Blaine beat my shaky hands to it. I stood up straight, putting every ounce of my attention into cutting the flan. The knife shook between my clammy fingers.
    “Kam?”
    I couldn’t respond. I could hardly think beyond sinking the knife into the confection without losing a limb. I thought I was ready for this. I thought I wanted to hear those words. Hell, I thought I was strong enough to say them too.
    But I was wrong. This …was wrong.
    Love wasn’t for me. Fear eclipsed that possibility a long time ago.
    “Kam, say something.” Blaine’s hand was over mine, slipping the knife from my trembling grasp.
    I forced myself to meet his gaze. “Like what?” I croaked, my throat suddenly parched.
    “I don’t know. Anything. I can see you’re freaking out, and I need to know you’re ok. That you’re still here with me.”
    “I’m ok,” I whispered through the sand in my mouth.
    Blaine pulled me closer to him. “No, you’re not. Talk to me.”
    I looked away. I couldn’t look at his gorgeous face and mar it with the ugliness of truth. Because I wasn’t ok. I never would be, no matter how wonderful Blaine was. All the love in the world couldn’t undo the damage left behind by my past.
    You could cover shit with roses; you could hide all the vileness and make it seem beautiful and good. But no matter how badly you wanted to mask it, underneath it all, it was still shit. Putrid, disgusting shit.
    “Blaine…” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. What do you say to the man you know you have to destroy?
    A finger slid under my chin and gently guided my face to his. “Kam, I just told you that I think I love you, and it scares you, doesn’t it?”
    “No,” I lied. I wasn’t even sure if any sound came out.
    “Well…I’m sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said that.”
    Huh?
    Reflexively, I frowned, though I should have been relieved. Blaine said he was wrong. He really didn’t feel that way. That fact should have erased my unease, but all I felt was a hollow, endless ache in my chest.
    “I was wrong, Kami,” he continued, taking in my expression. “I don’t think I love you.”
    The empty ache spread into the pit of my stomach, twisting like the knife in my crumbling heart.
    Blaine pulled me into his lap, and though his words were ripping me to shreds, I let him. I was too weak from the assault to stop him.
    “I don’t think it; I know it,” he murmured into my hair, his warm breath fanning down my neck. “I love you, Kami.”
    Again, I waited for the relief that I was sure to come. Blaine loved me. Loved. Me. But the knife kept twisting. The pain kept spreading. Sorrow blanketed the joy that I should have felt when he uttered those words. I was so unbelievably conflicted about my feelings, and I didn’t know why.
    Yes I did. I knew exactly why.
    Fear #2.
    Falling in love.
    The only thing that terrified me more than falling in love, and the very reason I was so afraid of that magnitude of affection?
    Fear #1.
    My father.
    “No,” I said in a hoarse whisper. It was my voice, but it sounded strangled. As if it hurt just to say the word. “No.”
    “No?”
    Against my better judgment, I turned around to face him. Maybe I was a sadist. Maybe I needed to see the pain that I would undoubtedly cause.
    “You can’t love me, Blaine.”
    “Why not?” he frowned.
    “Because I told you; I’m unlovable. I don’t do love. I’m incapable of accepting or returning it.”
    He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”
    “And why’s that?”
    He grasped my shoulders, pegging me with his unforgiving glare. “Because I know you love me.”
    I jumped out of his lap and was across the dining room before he could blink.
    “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I sneered.
    Blaine climbed to his feet and crossed the room to face me in four wide strides. “Yeah, I do.