Fear of Falling

“The only one that should be afraid is me,” he whispered. There was pain there. Pain and fear and vulnerability. The same things I felt at that very moment.
    I didn’t know what was stronger—the guilt of knowing that I was hurting him, or the fear that made me continue the charade. But, I knew one thing for certain: Blaine was too good for me. He deserved so much more than what I could give him. There was no way he could be happy with my pseudo heart. Eventually, he would see that for himself. He would need more. I just had to make him realize that before it was too late.
    “Don’t. Please. Please don’t love me.”
    He frowned. “Why not?”
    “Because…”
    “Because what?”
    “Just…because.”
    Blaine let out an exasperated breath and shook his head.
    That’s right. Get frustrated. Get upset. Tell me I’m stupid and petty. Tell me that I don’t deserve your love. That I’m a lost cause. That I’m unlovable, just like I knew all along.
    “You’re gonna have to do better than that, Kam.”
    Desperation turned to irrational rage, and I shrugged out of his touch, pushing him away. “Because! Because I don’t fucking want it! Because I don’t need it. So just stop, ok?”
    I turned on my heel and tried to escape to the refuge of my bedroom. I needed to get away, but of course, Blaine was right behind me, utterly perfect with the patience of freakin’ Job. I wanted to scream until my lungs collapsed.
    “You don’t mean that,” he retorted shaking his head. “Everybody needs love, including you. Especially you. And I know you want it. You’re just too afraid to admit it.”
    My balled fists shook at my sides as fury misted my eyes. “I’m not afraid of love, Blaine. I loathe it. Love is cruel and unforgiving. It beats you. Tortures you. Smashes your face into a mirror and tells you that you’re disgusting and ugly. That no one else will want you. Love whips you with a belt until giant, red welts are left on every inch of your body, leaving you too sore to even sit for days.”
    Hot tears streamed down my face, leaving me blind to Blaine’s reaction. It was too late to stop them. He had opened the floodgates.
    He wanted the truth. He wanted a reason for all my crazy. Well, now he was getting it.
    “Love rapes your mother right in front of you while she weeps, telling you that Mommy’s ok,” I hoarsely whispered, my throat strangled with years of emotion. “It touches you in ways and in places that it should never, ever touch you, trying to murder the last bits of your innocence. It kills you, cripples you. It leaves you damaged beyond repair.”
    I stood before him, naked and bleeding, my impaired soul exposed for him to witness every ugly scar. “That’s love, Blaine. Why the fuck would I want that? Why would anyone want that?”
    Blaine stepped towards me, his arms outstretched, ready to fix the broken girl. But I didn’t want his sympathy. I didn’t need him to save me. I wanted him to save himself.
    “Kam, baby…” he rasped, his horror-stricken eyes glazed with tears. “Baby, I’m so sorry. Please, let me…”
    “No,” I deadpanned, moving out of his reach. “No, don’t try to make this better. You can’t make it better. And I don’t want you to.”
    “Just let me…”
    “Seriously! Stop it, Blaine! I don’t want your charity! I’m not your little pet project! Stop trying to push me into being what you want me to be! I am not your mother!”
    Blaine stopped his advance and looked at me with confusion and pain marring his face. He was just as open and injured as I was, plagued by my horrid account. I had him right where I needed him. And, as excruciating as it was, I said goodbye to the man I loved more than I hated myself before slipping on my cold, unfeeling mask and I went in for the kill.
    “I am not what you want, and I don’t want to be. I don’t love you, Blaine, and I never will. So let’s stop wasting our time and face the inevitable,” I spat as I gestured between us. “This is over. Done. There was never a future for us. Never a happily-ever-after. And the more we keep pretending there is one, the more I despise the thought of it. Goodbye, Blaine. It was fun while it lasted. But let’s not keep forcing something that’s not meant to be.”
    Blaine’s expression was completely solemn as he looked back at me, waiting for the punch line to a cruel, tactless joke. But he knew just as well as I did that it would never come. He knew that what