Fear of Falling

whatever you say.” He reached over and plucked a piece of chicken from the wok. “Just know that when he says it—and he will say it—that it’s ok if you want to say it back. It won’t make you weak or stupid. It won’t hurt you.”
    He placed a kiss on my cheek and exited the kitchen, leaving me to ponder his words. My own skewed vision of love had kept me from accepting it. It was what made me break Kenneth’s heart when he told me how he felt. It was what caused me to push people away whenever they got too close. It was what left me to feel unwanted and alone for years.
    Until now. Until Blaine.
    I never wanted to go back to that. I never wanted to go without feeling Blaine’s arms wrapped around me as I fell asleep. I never wanted the warmth of his smile to abandon me. I never again wanted those stars on my windowsill to hold my thoughts hostage, not when I wanted to dream of only him. I had gotten just a taste of how good… this …could be, and I wanted more. I wanted it all.
    I wanted love.
    An hour later, Blaine was at my door, wearing his usual panty-melting smile. “Hey babe, something smells incredible,” he said greeting me with a kiss. Though we were the only two people in the vast condo, his presence filled the space with authority. Blaine engulfed every one of my senses, and I was only too happy to let him. I couldn’t even smell the food sitting on the dining room table, too intoxicated by the scent of mint, spice and pure seduction.
    “Well, let’s hope it all tastes good,” I said pulling him by the hand to lead him to the feast I had spent all day preparing.
    I sat Blaine at the head of the table and placed a linen napkin on his lap before picking up his plate to pile with food. It was all very subservient, and probably set women back several decades, but something inside me warmed. I remember watching my mom, aunts and grandmother cooking for hours together. When the food was ready and every mouth watered with anticipation, they would serve their family first, waiting on their men with rapt attention. I can’t even remember my grandfather ever getting his own food. Or my father.
    I knew I should be ashamed, maybe even a bit disgusted, for wanting to serve Blaine, but I wasn’t. Part of me craved this. I liked feeling wanted. Needed . And no one made me feel those things more than him.
    “You cooked all this?” he asked with wide, hungry eyes as he licked his lips.
    “Yup. Now, we have Pancit, Chicken Adobo with white rice, barbeque pork and Lumpia. Should I give you a bit everything?”
    “Yes, please,” he answered excitedly. “You don’t have to do that, you know. I can get my own food, Kam.”
    “I know, but I want to.”
    Blaine nodded and watched me intently, a small smile on his lips. “I can’t believe you did all this. What’s the occasion?”
    I shrugged, avoiding his gaze as I spooned out the food. “Nothing special. Just wanted to do something nice for you. I’ve never cooked for a guy other than Dom so if you don’t like it, just don’t tell me. I probably would never cook again.”
    “Baby, I’m sure I’ll love it all.”
    There was that dirty little four-letter word again.
    My hands began to sweat a bit, so I put the plate down to finish loading it before sliding it in front of Blaine. He dug in enthusiastically, moaning around mouthfuls of meat, noodles, vegetables and rice.
    “Oh my God. Oh my God,” he mumbled, closing his eyes in ecstasy. “This is amazing, babe. I’m in heaven. No bullshit, I think I just died and went to culinary heaven.”
    I laughed as I took a bite of my own meal. “Good?”
    “Good? Are you kidding me? This is the best food I’ve ever tasted. Seriously. Now if you tell Ms. Patty I said that, I may have to take an ass-whooping, but it’d be worth it. Yeah, babe…so damn good.”
    I smiled as I watched him devour everything on his plate. I felt…domestic. Nurturing. Secure.
    Home.
    Not because we were at my place instead of his; it was Blaine. I felt at home with Blaine. And I never wanted that feeling to leave me.
    What was I so afraid of? This was Blaine . Good-natured, uncomplicated, fun-loving Blaine. I was letting my imagination get the best of me. He would never try to get too deep with me. He knows about my past. A guy like him could have any woman he wanted. Why on Earth would he fall for someone like me—a total nutcase with more baggage than she could carry?
    And if he did—so what? I could handle