Fear of Falling

we had had crumbled into a heap on the floor leaving nothing but a mess of ashes. In a matter of minutes, I had managed to taint countless tender kisses, heated caresses, and longing stares. Things that we both held onto like lifesavers in the tumultuous storms of our pasts. Things that gave us hope for a future without pain and guilt and fear.
    All of it. Gone.
    I had successfully pushed away the only man I ever gave a damn about because I was too afraid to love him. But not only that, I was too afraid of what his love would do to me. I knew how shitty life could be. I knew, sooner or later, his love would hurt me. And being that I was now so vulnerable to him, my heart exposed and on display for him to see and crush in the palm of his ink-adorned hand, there would be no coming back from that. I would have no chance of survival.
    Without a word, Blaine turned and walked out of my room while I stood there, steeped in my own hatred and affliction, numb and completely still. I didn’t move after I heard the front door close. I didn’t even blink as reality began to set in. I couldn’t. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t let myself believe it, even though it was what I caused.
    Blaine was gone. And he was never coming back.

The mind is a tricky thing.
    You can tell it to ignore the signs. To play dumb and let shit happen, even though you know it will only screw you in the end. To continue on like a damn fool, setting yourself up for failure.
    Ignorance is bliss.
    And the mind is a bliss-seeking, stupid motherfucker.
    I knew all along that it was coming. I knew Kami would selfishly hang on to her insecurities like a shield in an attempt to protect herself. And in the process, she would hurt anyone that attempted to penetrate the armor.
    She was smart. That was what I should’ve done. But instead, I was a sucker. The sucker that fell in love with the girl who was terrified of the mere mention of the word. The fool who sacrificed his heart time and time again, thinking someone would actually see that he was so much more than the rough exterior.
    Love was a bitch. And she was squeezing me by the nuts.
    I didn’t realize I was at Dive until the smells of beer and fried food assaulted my nostrils, making me even more aware of my afflicted state of mind. I bypassed the questioning looks and whispers, grabbing a beer from the cooler and slid onto a barstool without so much as a cordial greeting. I didn’t care. I was done caring. Caring got you nowhere. And that’s exactly where I was. Nowhere.
    Uncle Mick spotted me and furrowed his brow, not expecting to see me in on my day off, especially alone. I pretended not to notice him but I knew he was already making his way towards me.
    “Didn’t expect to see you here tonight, son,” he said gruffly, clapping me on the back. “Everything ok?”
    I took a swig of my beer, not even bothering to face him to answer. “Fine.”
    Maybe it was the flat, dead tone of my voice that served as an invitation, because the next thing I knew, he was climbing onto the stool next to me. I kept right on staring at nothing. Thinking of nothing. Feeling like nothing.
    Minutes ticked by without either one of us saying a word. I was used to it. Silence I could deal with. It blanketed the words I didn’t want to say. It numbed the ache that seemed to radiate from my chest like a gaping bullet wound.
    “You always did feel more than anybody else,” he said out of the blue, his voice rough and permanently hoarse from decades of smoking. “Couldn’t help taking on everyone’s pain like it was your own. Would even bring home old, banged up strays when you were just a youngster. Your mama used to say you were empathetic. Said you had a heart bigger than your brain.”
    I continued to sip my beer, trying to block out my uncle’s mindless ramblings. What was his point? Did it look like I was in the mood to take a walk down memory lane?
    I knew coming here was a bad idea. There was no way I could sit undisturbed to wallow in my misery, but I only had two other options: Ms. Patty’s or my place. Ms. Patty’s was out of the question. She would no doubt expect me to spill my guts and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
    Going to my place first had been a huge mistake. It just didn’t feel like home anymore. Not without Kami there. She had ruined it for me. Every surface and corner was laced with a memory of her. Her warmth and light had given those bricks and wood life. Being without her,