Fear of Falling

of clothing. I looked down at the amber liquid before me and picked it up. Wendy giggled and ran her fingers through my hair.
    “To not giving a fuck.”

The familiar buzzing of my cell phone grew louder and more annoying as I worked to ignore it. I couldn’t acknowledge it. Couldn’t even begin to let myself wonder who it could be. That involved feeling and right now with my emotions pressing at the dam of my resolve, feeling was out of the question.
    I packed away the food on the table including the uneaten flan—the flan that I had made especially for Blaine that he would never try. My stomach twisted and roiled as my heart dropped into my gut.
    Don’t go there. Don’t do that to yourself. He’s gone. He’s done with you. That’s what you wanted. Don’t start that pity party shit now.
    I shook my head, trying to quiet my cynical, inner asshole, and focused on washing each dish with thorough precision. I wanted everything spotless, everything beautiful and sparkling. I could control this. I could clean and make everything neat and tidy. But my life? My life was shit. Dark, vile, filthy shit. I couldn’t change that. I couldn’t control it. And every time I felt like I had gotten a handle on it, fear bitch-slapped the taste of hope right out of me.
    I fingered the jar of tiny iridescent stars between my fingertips and sat down on my bed. 253. Two hundred fifty-three reasons why I couldn’t let Blaine love me.
    I hated these fucking stars and everything they represented. I hated that I couldn’t just throw them away and never feel the impulse to count them again. But most of all, I hated myself. I hated what he created, what he left behind…and what she forgot.
    The jar shook in my hands until I let it tumble onto the comforter. I flexed my fingers, staving off the trembles that preluded the panic attack on the horizon. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t revert back to some pathetic, wounded bird every time this shit happened. This was how it would be; this was my life. There was no reason to cry about something that I couldn’t control. I needed to just suck it up and stop letting it affect me.
    The buzzing started back up again, and this time I jumped up to stop it. Anything to distract my mind from the breakdown that was on its way in 5…4…3…2…
    “Hello?”
    “Kam? Damn, girl, it’s about time,” Angel shouted from the receiver. Rock music blared on the other side, accompanied with random peals of raucous laughter. “We’ve been calling you all night!”
    “Why?”
    “Well…um…we came into Dive, and…”
    “ And if you don’t get your ass down here right now , I will be spending the night in jail,” Dom’s voice boomed. Angel furiously whispered for him to calm down and shut up before she was back on the line.
    “Kam, sweetie, uh, I just think you should come by. Like, the sooner the better.”
    “No.”
    “No? But why not?” she whined.
    “Because I don’t feel like it.” That wasn’t entirely true.
    “Please? Um, I’m really drunk. So is Dom. We need a ride home.”
    I knew she was lying. I just didn’t have it in me to call her on her bullshit. Not when I was currently up to my elbows in my own.
    I took a deep breath and gazed at the alternative. Shimmering stars laughed back at me, taunting me, holding me their captive.
    Fuck them.
    “Be there in 20.”
    I sat in the Dive parking lot, scraping together the last bits of my courage before entering. I knew Blaine was here; his truck sat in its usual space as it did most nights. So why the hell was I here? Why was I walking into God-knows-what when I should be running away to hide? Why was I torturing myself by going straight to the man that I needed to avoid?
    Because I was stupid, that’s why. Stupid in love with him, and tired of running.
    I was sick of playing the victim. Sick of depriving myself of the only thing I wanted. Dammit, I wanted to be with Blaine. I wanted to love him fiercely and unabashedly and just dive right into this crazy, mixed up whirlwind of emotions with him. I wanted to give the middle finger to fear and let him kiss away all my reservations.
    Maybe he could do it. Maybe he could make me forget what I was. Blaine had the ability to make me face my fears and kick them in the nuts triumphantly. I wanted to be a better person with him. I wanted to be a better person for him.
    I picked up the red paper heart I had brought along as a peace offering. I smiled, imagining the spot he would