Fear of Falling

screamed. “He saw what he did to me?”
    “Kam,” Dom said softly, stroking my arm. It was the only exposed part of me that wasn’t bandaged. “Blaine was the one to tear him off of you. I mean, yeah, I helped but Blaine…he just went crazy. Like a deranged madman. I ended up having to pull him off before he killed the fucker. Still, he nearly did.”
    “He’ll be here soon to see you. We sent him home just to clean up and get a quick shower,” Angel added with an encouraging smile.
    I turned my head away as much as the bandages allowed. I didn’t want them to see the tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want them to see me feel . “I don’t want him to see me like this.”
    “Honey, he’s already seen you. He’s been here waiting for you. He wouldn’t even allow himself to doze off. I damn near had to force him to take a break.”
    I turned my head back to my friends. “He’s been here the entire time?”
    “Well, he left at first,” Dom replied. Angel shot him a furious look and whispered for him to shut up, like I wasn’t right there. “Well, he did. He just had to get his head right. It was a lot for him to take in, but he came back the next morning.”
    I nodded, just to give my body something to do. Anything but what I wanted to do. Cry.
    “Well…I don’t want him to see me,” I said in a broken voice. “Not like this. Not now.”
    “Too late.”
    Every head turned towards the door where Blaine stood smiling, looking even more perfect than I had remembered. He held an elaborate flower arrangement that he walked over to place on a nearby table. That’s when I realized there were quite a few bouquets, teddy bears and Get Well cards cluttering the room. I couldn’t focus on them though. The movement caused his comforting scent of mint and spice, and just Blaine , to sweep over me. Emotion knotted in my throat.
    He came to stand at my side and looked down at me, a smile still illuminating his beautiful face. “Hey baby,” he said just above a whisper.
    Words abandoned me, leaving me silent and dumbfounded. Part of me wanted to fall into his arms and thank him for saving my life. For stopping my sick fucking father from stealing the tiny piece of me that I still controlled. For loving me just as fiercely as I loved him.
    But that part of me was stupid. Weak. Naïve.
    If I thought that we couldn’t continue before, I knew it without a shadow of a doubt now. My father had killed any hope for a future with Blaine. He had killed me . Just like he did my mother.
    I couldn’t hold Blaine captive in the fucked-up-ness that was my life. He was a good guy; he’d stay because he’d feel obligated to. Because that’s what good guys did—they stayed and fought for you no matter what.
    Blaine had done enough fighting for me. I wouldn’t let him waste his life on someone who had no more fight left in her.
    “Blaine…” His name stung my tongue. The day we met, it had felt as smooth as silk in my mouth. Now it hurt. It hurt because I knew I didn’t have a right to say it anymore.
    “I think you should go,” I whispered.
    “What?” He took a tiny step back as if I had slapped him. “Why?”
    I swallowed the words I wanted to say. I locked them all up and stored them in the dark, empty corners of my mind, hoping to rebuild the tiny compartments. My father had destroyed them when he propelled me back into my childhood. Never again. I wouldn’t let anyone get that close again.
    “Nothing’s changed, Blaine. How I feel…that hasn’t changed. Thank you for being there for me but that doesn’t mean things between us are different.”
    I met his stunned, hurt expression with nothing but cold dispassion. My mask was easier to slip on now. My father had ensured that I was never able to take it off again. It was permanently etched into my torn, battered skin.
    Quietly, Dom and Angel slipped out of the room to give us privacy. It wasn’t necessary though. I wouldn’t continue the charade any longer. I’d make sure that Blaine stayed away for good now.
    I turned away from the pain etched in his face. I couldn’t look at him. I had enough of my own to deal with. “Look…let’s just consider this my resignation. I know it’s short notice, but I think under the circumstances, this is the best thing. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
    “Sorry for the inconvenience? What? Kami…baby…talk to me.”
    A warm single finger grazed my chin, causing me to flinch. I glared back at Blaine.