Fear of Falling

lead a normal life. I could find happiness. I could find love.
    That was a lie. I had found happiness. Hell, maybe I had even found love. I just couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t let myself believe it. I couldn’t feel it. Bad things happened when I let myself feel. There was ugliness in love, at least for me there was. It wasn’t the same for regular people as it was for me, Dom and Angel. We were exempt from the romantic type of affection that movies and books boasted about. Life had ruined us for that type of ardor. Now we could only love each other. It was better that way. There was no pain or deceit in it. There were no expectations or regrets. It was safe. It was selfless. It was all we had.
    No, that wasn’t true either.
    “Kam? You awake?” Angel whispered from my doorway. I ground my teeth. I wished I could close and lock that damn door.
    “No.”
    As if my answer was an invitation, Angel entered and climbed onto my bed, spooning me from behind.
    “You ok, love?”
    “No.”
    “But you will be, sweetie. You will be,” she replied, squeezing me tight. I wanted to pull away from her embrace, but I knew it was more for her comfort than mine. I had scared her today. Dom had witnessed more of my meltdowns than he could count, but Angel was still new to them. Sure, she’d learned the hard way when it came to enclosed spaces and darkness, but she had never experienced my reaction to water. We had warned her about it so she was somewhat prepared. She and Dom had made it their mission to make sure I was comfortable all day, but I couldn’t do that to them. I couldn’t allow them to babysit me in the hot sun while everyone else enjoyed themselves in the water. Why should they have to suffer for my idiosyncrasies?
    Maybe Dr. Cole was right about my fears. Maybe they were irrational.
    I hated that know-it-all bitch.
    “Don’t blame yourself,” Angel said suddenly, disrupting my diabolical plan to key the good doctor’s car. Or egg her office. Or just suck it up and admit that she was right all along.
    “I’m not.” I was.
    She held me for a few more silent minutes before the elephant in the room plopped its big, ugly ass on my avoidance.
    “Blaine call you yet?”
    A lump attacked my throat, taunting the sob I had been swallowing for the last six hours. “I don’t know. I don’t know where my phone is.” I knew where it was. It was with my Kindle and the rest of my things, abandoned at the lake in my haste to escape. But even if I did have it, I doubted he’d call. Who would call after witnessing a scene like that? Who the hell would want to deal with a total basket-case?
    “I think you may have left it,” Angel remarked, reading my thoughts. “I’ll go call one of the girls to see if they grabbed it.” She slid off the bed and made her way to the door, turning to shoot me a sympathetic smile before disappearing down the hall. In that moment, I wanted to slap her. I was so tired of people looking at me like that.
    Some time during my wallowing, I had drifted off to sleep, only to be awoken by noises outside my cracked door. Shuffling. Voices. Male.
    Blaine.
    I heard my bedroom door open wider but decided to feign sleep, too chickenshit to face him.
    “Naw, man, she’s still asleep,” Dom whispered.
    “Ok. I’ll just leave her stuff,” Blaine replied in an equally hushed tone. I heard him pad across the room and set down my things on the dresser as quietly as he could. Then his footprints grew louder as he made his way towards me. I tried not to flutter my eyelids and kept my breathing heavy and deep. Oh shit, I must look horrible. After showering, I had thrown on a pair of old cotton shorts and an oversized t-shirt, not even bothering to brush out my ratty hair. Great. I was just a hot mess all around.
    His scent hit me first, causing my mouth to reflexively salivate. It had grown familiar to me. Comfortable. Safe. It made me feel…home. Something I had never had before. Something I had always craved.
    When he drew close enough to me that I could feel his warm breath, I thought I might break. I still wanted him. Dammit, this wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Not this strong.
    Warm, soft lips accompanied with a bit of stubble brushed across my forehead ever so lightly. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from melting into the touch. I wanted to pull him down onto the bed with me and nuzzle into his arms. I wanted him to squeeze me tight and tell me