Fear of Falling

he’d never leave me, no matter what. That no matter how fucked up I was, he wouldn’t abandon me. Then I wanted him to make sweet love to me for hours and hours until I was too exhausted to do more than smile…
    No. I didn’t want that. What was I thinking?
    As I was losing my internal argument, Blaine retreated from the intimacy of my bedroom, closing the door behind him.
    No! I can’t…breathe…God…no
    Before panic seized every muscle and joint, the door quickly clicked back open. I breathed an audible sigh of relief, clutching my chest to ease the jolt of my heart rate.
    “Hey man,” Dom began on the other side of my bedroom door. “Sorry about earlier. I panicked. Emotions were high, and I jumped to conclusions. We good?”
    A pregnant pause before what sounded like a hand clap. “Yeah man. We’re good.”
    “Thanks for bringing her stuff back. Appreciate it.”
    “No problem,” Blaine answered. “I would have come sooner, but I wanted to give her space since she said she’d call…”
    “Yeah, um. I wanted to talk to you about that.”
    Oh no, Dom. Don’t. Please don’t.
    He took a deep breath. “I don’t know how much Kam has told you about her past…”
    “She hasn’t told me anything,” Blaine interjected.
    “Ok. Well…I think there are things that you need to hear from her, if she wants you to know. Outside of Angel and me, plus…professionals, she hasn’t told anyone. But you…you’re different. Well, she’s different with you, I should say. I’ve never seen Kami with anyone. Like really with them wholeheartedly. Not like she is with you.”
    “Sometimes I can’t tell if she really is.” I could hear the pain in Blaine’s voice. Was he hurting in all this? Did he even care enough to be hurt?
    “She is, dude. She’s with you. You have… her . No one gets her—not the real Kami. But with you, she’s natural. She’s carefree. She laughs because something’s funny, not because it’s expected. She smiles because she’s happy, not because she’s trying to hide her pain. She can be herself. That’s pretty major for her.”
    Silence passed, and my strained ears were aching to hear a response from Blaine.
    “What happened to her?” he finally whispered.
    “Not my story to tell,” Dom answered. “But I will tell you this: that girl is the strongest person I know. It may not seem like it, but if you knew the heavy burden she carries every single damn day and still manages to crack a smile, you’d understand.”
    “Well…help me understand. Help me be what she needs me to be,” Blaine urged.
    “I can’t. Only she can show you that part of her. But something tells me the pieces are finally coming together. You’ve seen what happens to her, right?”
    “Yeah.”
    “And you’re still here.”
    “Yeah.”
    Another beat of silence.
    “Do you love her?” Dom asked quietly.
    I held my breath in expectation. Seconds ticked by. Then a minute.
    No answer from Blaine.
    “Well,” Dom muttered. “I just hope you realize what you’re doing.”
    “I do,” Blaine answered assuredly. Footsteps started to move away from my door, taking the voices with them. “Can you have her call me when she wakes up? I really want…”
    I know I should’ve been happy that he didn’t say he loved me. I all but told him not to from the beginning. So why wasn’t I relieved over his omission? Why were confused tears sprouting at the corners of my eyes, making me even more frustrated than I was before? And why the hell did he kiss me, knowing that he wouldn’t stay. He couldn’t stay. He’d be a fool to.
    “Kam?” Dom whispered, popping his head into my bedroom.
    I fluttered my eyes open and feigned a yawn. “Yeah?”
    Dom eased himself next to me, giving me a tentative smile. “You didn’t happen to overhear a conversation I just had, did you?”
    “What conversation?”
    “Blaine was here.”
    I worked to keep my face blank, hiding the excitement at just the mere mention of his name and the memory of his lips. My forehead still tingled. “He was?”
    “Yeah. He brought your stuff, and he wanted to see if you were ok. He wants you to call him.”
    I nodded.
    “But you’re not going to, are you?”
    I looked at Dominic, my best friend and the only man I could totally be honest with. “Nope.”
    He let out an exasperated sigh. “Kam…”
    “What’s the use? Why should I call him? Why not make a clean break? Why drag this out when we both know that it won’t