Ghost Time

for a minute.
    What happened? he said, and I smiled, remembering Cam say that. Me, I said, I happened. I have a problem sometimes, I said, and it was so hard, saying it, but I did. I go, I cut myself—not anymore, but I used to. And for a while, I couldn’t stop. I know he knows. Foley knows, I said. And I know he’s going to use it somehow, so I want you to know. I go, Knox, I’ve never lied to you, ever. But tell me, how did you, how did your family? he said, trying to figure out how it all went down. I didn’t want to tell him anything, but after everything that’s happened, I don’t have any more room for any more secrets, you know? So I told him, straight out.
    One afternoon, I was in the bathroom, and I cut too deep, and I felt blood on my leg, and I had to turn and look, because I was afraid I’d get blood on the floor. And when I saw it, I fainted. Wait, you fainted from cutting too deep? he said, looking confused. No, I fainted because I can’t stand the sight of blood, I said, and he goes, Thea, you’re telling me you’re a cutter, but you can’t stand the sight of blood? I said, Stranger things have happened, and he looked at me like he didn’t know what to say to that. I go, I can’t watch horror movies, I can’t watch blood being taken at the doctor’s office without feeling faint. I’m not kidding, if there’s blood in my dream, like even if I have a dream with blood in it, I’ll pass out—in my dream. Then I’ll wake up, I said,and Knox covered his eyes with all his fingers, letting out this slow sigh, like, just when he thought he’d heard it all.
    So what happened? he said, leaning back, exhaling. My mom came home and found me like that before I came to. She must’ve been right at the door, and I didn’t hear her coming in, and then she called an ambulance, and then there was nothing I could do. He didn’t say anything, and I was trying so hard to brace myself for whatever was about to happen next, like, if he was going to tell me I wasn’t allowed to see Mel anymore—I don’t know what—but he didn’t. He sighed once more, but more like a huff, then he reached over and grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and he said the nicest thing he’d ever said to me before. Knox said: I’m sorry, Thea. I’m so sorry.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2010
    (FIVE MONTHS EARLIER)
    6:13 PM
    Looking at him, sitting across from me, his eyes, I grabbed his hands, and I had this urge to put them in my mouth, eat him whole, when Cam pulled me forward by the wrists, and he said, That reminds me. I know it’s a little late, but my mom wanted me to ask if you and your mom and Ray would like to join us for Thanksgiving dinner? Mom’ll take care of everything, he said, and I pulled away, saying, You know… that’s so sweet, really, but I don’t think so. I shook my head no, smiling, very sweet, but no, and Cam goes, Why not? You guys have plans? And I go, Yeah, see, the thing is, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in my family: it’s against out religion. Thea, seriously, he said, my mom’s so excited, and she wants to meet Renee—. I go, Cam, I don’t think it’s a good idea, and he goes, Why not? I go, For lots of reasons, and he goes, Name one, and I go, Your mom’s educated, for one thing.
    He leaned back, against the booth, and he goes, Please. Your mom is educated, I go, No, not anymore. Not since she met Rain Man. Sixteen years of education: gone, in a single loser, and Cam gave me this look like I was overreacting or being too harsh or whatever, and I said, Look, your mom went to Berkeley. She studied film. She’s traveled. She’s sophisticated. My mom looks forward to Grey’s Anatomy reruns at nine o’clock. And Ray, do you really think your mom would have anything to talk about with Ray? He goes, Listen. She’s not inviting Raymond for Raymond, and it’s one meal, and my mom wants you there. It’d be rude not to accept her invitation, and you know it. I said, Cam, I see what you’re saying, but what I’m saying is, it’s actually a sign of great respect that I’m trying to get out of this meal. Two o’clock, he said, telling me, not asking me.
    Cam goes, Listen. You know what makes this the best Thanksgiving ever? You know what I’m most grateful for this year, Thee? And of course I thought he was talking about us, or more specifically, me , about having me in his life, right—he so set me up, too. So I smiled and I go, No, tell me, Cam. What makes this the best