Ghost Time

I couldn’t help smiling; it smelled so delicious, but I didn’t know how I was going to eat a bite. I picked up my spoon, but then I just had to know: What did he say about me? I asked, and Karen started laughing. Took you long enough, she said, grinning. Cam said… she said, picking up the wine bottle and pouring a glass of wine for me and refilling her glass. Cam said that you were the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, Thea.
    Then something in me snapped, finally, and tears came rolling down my cheeks. All this time I’d thought maybe it’d been a trick, or that I’d find out some joke was being played on me all, all because it scared me too much to think maybe it was true, all those times he’d told me that himself. Hearing it from Karen, I knew it was just me being too afraid to trust him, to believe he loved me, and it was so sad. Not like I felt sorry for myself, but to see what he’d been trying to tell me all along, and now he wasn’t there when I finally figured it out. So I sat there for five minutes, and Karen just let me be.
    We stayed up, sitting at the table until after midnight, talking. And Karen’s… well, honestly, I don’t know what Karen’s doing here, in this town—I mean, she’s so smart. Like Karen went toBerkeley, and she studied film, and she’s traveled all over the world. She knows all about art and music and, god, it’s, I mean, she wears Black Flag T-shirts, listens to Carmen , the opera. And Karen reads . Books, yes. They have books all over their house, and artwork, and photography, and she follows all the design mags. So why would she move here? If it was Woodstock or one of those places, maybe, but here ? I’m sorry, but I just don’t get it.
    So I finally asked her, straight-out, what would possess her to move to a town like this. And she looked at her wineglass, holding it between her thumb and middle finger, thinking it over, smiling that half smile, like Cam smiles when he’s making an effort. We needed a change, she said, with this expression like she’d thought of all reasons she could give and that was most sensible. She looked up at me, smiling wide this time, but mostly to tell me the discussion was over. Time for bed, she said, getting up, taking her bowl and mine, and then I cleared some things from the table, following behind her.
    After we cleaned up the kitchen, she turned out the light, heading down the hall, and I said it again. I won’t touch anything, I promise, I said. I know I’d told her before, but I had to say it. I just wanted to be in his room; I’d never spy on him or anything like that. And she goes, Thee, you can touch anything you like. But one thing, she said, stopping to open the hallway cupboard: we’ll need to change the bedding. Between you and me, I slept in there a couple nights ago, she said, and I guess my face gave me away. You don’t need to do that, I said, seeing her arms loaded with sheets and pillowcases. You’re right, Thee, she said, and then she loaded the stack on my arms: you knowyour way around that bed, right? And bam! Ohmygod, instant blush—like a raging forest fire just tore across my face. I swear, I almost reached to touch my eyebrows, just to make sure they hadn’t been singed by my own blush. I mean, I knew she must know something, but that was so bad, I couldn’t even look at her, and I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to look her in the eye again, and then she started laughing at me.
    Come here, she said, pulling me to her, but not that close, given the stack of bedding between us. You’re going to be all right, she said, leaning over, kissing the top of my forehead. Whatever happens, she said, you’re going to be all right, Thea. I go, You believe that? Really? I asked, looking up at her, hoping it was true, thinking, Promise? Promise me? Yes, she said. I do. Because I don’t give myself any other choice, she said, cupping the side of my face with one hand. Karen is the only woman who I can stand looking at me, like actually stand still, looking back at her. And to be honest, that was the first time I thought about what she must be going through, having lost her husband, and now, no idea if she’d ever see her son again. But there she was, comforting me.
    Good night, she said, and I said, Good night, turning to the door. Thea, she said, turning back, your mom will be here to pick you up first thing in the morning. Oh. Right. My mom, I said. Right, she said, and you owe me one— oh ,