Good Omens

indispensible prop to good secret dens everywhere, the common milk crate.
    â€œThey don’t!”
    â€œThey do.”
    â€œBet you they don’t,” said the first speaker. It had a certain timbre to it that identified it as young and female, and it was tinted with horrified fascination.
    â€œThey do, actually. I had six before we went on holiday and I forgot to change the privet and when I came back I had one big fat one.”
    â€œNah. That’s not stick insects, that’s praying mantises. I saw on the television where this big female one ate this other one and it dint hardly take any notice.”
    There was another crowded pause.
    â€œWhat’re they prayin’ about?” said his Master’s voice.
    â€œDunno. Prayin’ they don’t have to get married, I s’pect.”
    The hound managed to get one huge eye against an empty knothole in the quarry’s broken-down fence, and squinted downward.
    â€œAnyway, it’s like with bikes,” said the first speaker authoritatively. “I thought I was going to get this bike with seven gears and one of them razorblade saddles and purple paint and everything, and they gave me this light blue one. With a basket. A girl’s bike. ”
    â€œWell. You’re a girl,” said one of the others.
    â€œThat’s sexism , that is. Going around giving people girly presents just because they’re a girl.”
    â€œI’m going to get a dog,” said his Master’s voice, firmly. His Master had his back to him; the hound couldn’t quite make out his features.
    â€œOh, yeah, one of those great big Rottenweilers, yeah?” said the girl, with withering sarcasm.
    â€œNo, it’s going to be the kind of dog you can have fun with,” said his Master’s voice. “Not a big dog—”
    â€”the eye in the nettles vanished abruptly downwards—
    â€œâ€”but one of those dogs that’s brilliantly intelligent and can go down rabbit holes and has one funny ear that always looks inside out. And a proper mongrel, too. A pedigree mongrel.”
    Unheard by those within, there was a tiny clap of thunder on the lip of the quarry. It might have been caused by the sudden rushing of air into the vacuum caused by a very large dog becoming, for example, a small dog.
    The tiny popping noise that followed might have been caused by one ear turning itself inside out.
    â€œAnd I’ll call him … ” said his Master’s voice. “I’ll call him … ”
    â€œYes?” said the girl. “What’re you goin’ to call it?”
    The hound waited. This was the moment. The Naming. This would give it its purpose, its function, its identity. Its eyes glowed a dull red, even though they were a lot closer to the ground, and it dribbled into the nettles.
    â€œI’ll call him Dog,” said his Master, positively. “It saves a lot of trouble, a name like that.”
    The hell-hound paused. Deep in its diabolical canine brain it knew that something was wrong, but it was nothing if not obedient and its great sudden love of its Master overcame all misgivings. Who was it to say what size it should be, anyway?
    It trotted down the slope to meet its destiny.
    Strange, though. It had always wanted to jump up at people but, now, it realized that against all expectation it wanted to wag its tail at the same time.
    â€œYOU SAID IT WAS HIM!” moaned Aziraphale, abstractedly picking the final lump of cream cake from his lapel. He licked his fingers clean.
    â€œIt was him,” said Crowley. “I mean, I should know, shouldn’t I?”
    â€œThen someone else must be interfering.”
    â€œThere isn’t anyone else! There’s just us, right? Good and Evil. One side or the other.”
    He thumped the steering wheel.
    â€œYou’ll be amazed at the kind of things they can do to you, down there,” he said.
    â€œI imagine they’re very similar to the sort of things they can do to one up there,” said Aziraphale.
    â€œCome off it. Your lot get ineffable mercy,” said Crowley sourly.
    â€œYes? Did you ever visit Gomorrah?”
    â€œSure,” said the demon. “There was this great little tavern where you could get these terrific fermented date-palm cocktails with nutmeg and crushed lemongrass—”
    â€œI meant afterwards.”
    â€œOh.”
    Aziraphale said: “Something must have