Idiopathy

pint of something red and a packet of dry-roasted peanuts which he spread open on the table as if performing a post-mortem.
    ‘Have some nuts,’ he said.
    Nathan had a few nuts.
    ‘Nice to get out,’ said his father after a while.
    ‘What do you tell her?’ said Nathan.
    His father looked guilty. ‘She just assumes I’m in the garage. She’s not there now, though. She’s gone to the TV studio.’
    ‘If she never looks for you in the garage, why don’t you just go there?’
    ‘Not the same is it? Not really.’ He tossed another handful of nuts in his mouth.
    ‘What are you drinking?’
    ‘Bulmer’s cider and Red Bull with a dash of crème de menthe. I call it a Mad Cow. Have a sip?’
    Nathan raised a hand. ‘Might stick to the Guinness,’ he said.
    ‘They don’t have a pool table here,’ said his father.
    ‘Oh.’
    ‘I suppose that’s nice though, isn’t it, because then you have to talk.’
    Nathan nodded.
    ‘I know some people,’ said his father. ‘See them here sometimes. We don’t arrange it, mind. Just leave it to chance. It’s nice to have a flexible arrangement, isn’t it? I mean, not everything has to be set in stone all the time, does it?’
    ‘No,’ said Nathan. ‘Not at all.’
    His father smacked his lips as he sipped his Mad Cow. ‘That hits the spot,’ he said.
    They looked at their drinks for a bit.
    ‘I prefer dry-roasted peanuts,’ said his father. ‘They’re more interesting in a lot of ways. Helen says they give you cancer, but what doesn’t?’ He tossed back another handful and then looked at Nathan. ‘We get on, don’t we?’ he said.
    ‘Yes,’ said Nathan. ‘Of course we do.’
    ‘Good. That’s good, isn’t it?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘I’m supposed to, you know. I’m supposed to say more things.’
    ‘OK.’
    ‘They keep saying that. You know. It’s good to talk. Good to say more. But they don’t really tell you what to say, you see.’
    ‘Who’s they?’
    Nathan’s father waved a hand vaguely. ‘You know. All those people.’
    Nathan’s phone rang.
    ‘Go on,’ said his father, looking a little disappointed. ‘I’m alright.’
    Nathan walked outside as he answered.
    ‘Hello?’ he said.
    ‘Buddy,’ said a familiar voice. ‘It’s Daniel.’
    ‘Oh,’ he faltered. ‘I mean hi.’
    ‘How are you?’
    ‘OK, I think. How, um, how are you?’
    ‘Yeah, OK.’
    ‘I heard about … you know.’
    ‘What, me and Katherine? Yeah.’
    ‘Sorry to hear it.’
    ‘Yeah, well. For the best really.’
    ‘Really?’
    Daniel seemed to think about this.
    ‘Probably,’ he said.
    ‘Right.’
    ‘Anyway,’ said Daniel, up-shifting rapidly. ‘Never mind all that. How are you? Where have you been?’
    Nathan sat down on a wall and breathed.
    ‘I’m OK,’ he said. ‘I was away for a while.’
    ‘We gathered that,’ said Daniel. ‘Away where?’
    Certain phrases linger in the head so long that we feel as if we’ve said them already.
    ‘I was a little unwell,’ said Nathan. ‘I had to have some treatment.’
    There was a pause. ‘What sort of treatment?’
    Another pause. Nathan told himself to say it. ‘Psychiatric treatment.’
    ‘Oh.’
    ‘I wasn’t well. I’m better now.’
    ‘What, uh, I mean, what did you …’
    ‘I didn’t try to kill myself.’
    ‘Right. Well, I mean, that’s something, isn’t it?’
    ‘I tried to hurt myself.’
    ‘Ah.’
    ‘The difference is important.’
    ‘Well, yes, absolutely. I mean, obviously, that’s a big difference, isn’t it? Because you didn’t want to, um, you know …’
    ‘Die.’
    ‘No.’
    ‘No, I didn’t want to die.’
    ‘Good. I mean, that’s good, isn’t it?’
    ‘I don’t know.’
    ‘I see.’
    Nathan tucked his phone under his ear and rolled a cigarette without looking too hard at his hands. The cold had numbed the tips of his fingers. He fumbled; recovered; got it rolled.
    He said, ‘I wanted to change, to be different.’
    ‘I don’t know what that means,’ said Daniel.
    ‘Neither do I.’
    ‘Oh.’
    Nathan lit his cigarette. When he breathed he could feel the cold air pour down his throat like mercury and when he sniffed he felt the hairs in his nose stiffen with frost. In the raw chill, the skin of the world felt transparent and exposed.
    Daniel said, ‘So what are you up to now?’
    ‘Just sitting outside the pub,’ said Nathan. ‘Smoking.’
    ‘But generally, I mean.’
    ‘Oh,’ Nathan exhaled. ‘Little.’
    ‘No plans?’
    ‘I’m