If I Tell

“You pissed? About your mom being pregnant?”
    “Why would I care?” I leaned back as the room spun in pleasant circles.
    “I don’t know. You’ll be a sister. Maybe that’ll be cool?”
    “Nathan. Shut up about my mom and Simon.” The conversation detracted from my happy buzz.
    He lightly stroked the back of my hand. Nice little jolts rolled over my skin. I lifted my bottle to my lips, watching Nathan. His eyelids looked droopy, almost sexy. When he slowly licked his lips, an unexpected surge rushed through me.
    Nathan?
    I was drunk. Very drunk.
    He reached for me, took the bottle from my hand, and leaned forward in slow motion. I watched his head move toward me. His full lips pried mine open. They were soft and wet. I tasted smoke. I inhaled the smell of beer on his breath.
    He pulled away from me, sighing and smiling. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long, long time.”
    An alarm rang in my head, but it was fuzzy. How far was this going to go? I didn’t say anything. For a minute, I dropped my eyes and enjoyed being wanted.
    He leaned down and pressed his cheek against mine. “You okay? I mean, is this okay?”
    I didn’t answer, which seemed to pass for shyness. He stood and pulled on my hand. “Come on. Let’s go somewhere a little more private.”
    I wondered if Nathan could take away my emptiness. I held his darker hand and allowed myself to be led stumbling toward the stairs, passing couples dancing or making out. Nathan slid an arm around my waist when I tripped. He led me up the stairs into a dark bedroom.
    “Jaz,” he whispered. His hand touched my hair, and he rubbed it gently between his fingers. He looked almost sinister in the dark. “You’re so beautiful.”
    My eyes slowly adjusted to the blackness. A dresser was covered with clothes and pushed up against the wall. Behind a tiny door to the right was a small bathroom. And in the middle of the room a big bed mocked me.
    “Marnie’s room,” Nathan whispered and licked my neck.
    I guessed he’d been there before and I had an urge to laugh at how ridiculous we were acting. Making out and sneaking off to Marnie’s messy room in the middle of a drinking party. He kissed me again on the mouth, sticking his tongue in deeper. I tried to feel a little bit of the glow I’d felt earlier. Zilch. Nausea zipped from my stomach to my throat.
    I pulled away, my buzz fading. I opened my mouth to tell Nathan I’d never gone past kissing a boy from a different school in eighth grade. A boy who later told me it had been a dare to see if he could get the skinny black girl to kiss him. He’d won twenty bucks, thanks to me.
    Nathan shushed me before I could get out a word and pulled me toward the bed in the middle of the room. A cheap floral bedspread covered it, the colors faded and worn. Like me. I wanted to curl up in a little ball inside the covers.
    Nathan kissed me again and I resisted, but he didn’t seem to notice. He pushed me back so I was sitting on the bed. I tried to squirm away, but he chuckled and bent over, making funny noises in his throat.
    “Don’t be shy. It’s just me.” The weight of his body pressed on top of me. His necklaces dangled down against my skin. “You want this. You want it.”
    Did I? Was this what I wanted?
    Claustrophobia strangled me. My stomach lurched with nausea. I pushed my hands against him but he resisted. His ribs poked against my skin. My hip bones ached as he crushed against me.
    “No, Nathan. I don’t want to,” I whispered.
    He groaned. “Oh, baby, you do. This is exactly what you want. It’s okay. I love you. I love you.”
    My eyes closed. This was all my fault. I’d gotten myself into this mess with my own stupidity. I held back tears and shame as he struggled to undo my tight jeans.
    “No.” I reached down to push him away.
    “It’s okay,” he interrupted. “You’re beautiful. Let me see you.”
    He grabbed my wrists and held them back. I shook my head.
    “No,” I said but it came out weakly, without conviction, and he didn’t hear me. No one heard me. God. I was such an idiot. I deserved this. I gritted my teeth, and tears spilled down my cheeks. I was alone. Violated. Exactly what I deserved.
    “No,” I said louder. “I don’t want to.” I brought my knee up. Not enough to hurt him but enough to alarm him.
    He groaned and moved back. “Hey.” He stopped struggling and collapsed on top of me. “What the hell?”
    I stared at the ceiling. His full body weight took