If I Tell

Jackson.
    “Did you finally make up?” Ashley demanded. “Did you tell him you didn’t mean what you said? That you’re not as narrow-minded and stuck-up as you sounded?”
    “Maybe.” I smiled at Jackson.
    “And he told you he’s not with Carrie. That she’s been stalking him.”
    “Well, he didn’t say stalking.”
    “He should have. I met her, and she was kind of scary. Anyway, forget her. You are with Jackson! That is awesome. We are so going on a double date with Marnie,” Ashley said. “The four of us. She’ll be so happy. Jackson has been killing us with his misery.”
    “Jackson has been hanging out with you and Marnie?”
    Jackson reached over and took the phone from my ear. “Quit giving away my secrets,” he said to Ashley. “Jaz and I need to talk.” He grinned at me and told Ashley we were busy and we’d talk to her later and hung up the phone.
    “So you’re all best buds with Ashley now?” I asked when he clicked his phone off.
    He smiled. “You know I can’t resist lesbians.”
    I punched him in the arm. “And she can’t resist criminals.”
    He wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head in his chest, feeling shy. I inhaled the same scent that still lingered on his hoodie, the smell of him. Of boy. Not bad boy, not good, just boy. I didn’t want to move out of his arms.
    “So Ashley is happy,” he said. “And planning double dates?”
    “She’ll dye her hair rainbow colors to celebrate,” I said to his chest.
    Jackson stepped back and gently took me by the shoulders and moved me in front of him. He lifted my chin with his finger. My skin tingled under his touch.
    “I’ll wait if you need time,” he said. “But I want to be more than your friend.”
    “There’s no waiting.” I smiled and then groaned. “I’m so sorry about everything I said to hurt you.”
    He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “I forgive you.”
    “My life is still very messy,” I warned.
    “I’m okay with messy.”
    “My mom is sick,” I told him. “Postpartum depression. She’s in the hospital. Simon and Joe need my help.”
    “Joe?”
    I grinned. “My brother. They finally named him. After my grandpa.”
    He nodded. “That’s cool. So you’ll be helping out, right? Things are better with you and Simon?”
    “Yeah. They need me.”
    “Is she going to be okay?”
    I shrugged, wishing I could be certain. “I hope so.”
    Jackson reached down and took the hoodie from my hands. I watched as he unraveled it and then gently pulled it over my head. I poked my arms through the sleeves, the first time I’d ever worn it properly on my body.
    He reached for my hand and tugged on it. “Hey. Come on. I’m parked illegally here. Can I take you somewhere?”
    “You know anything about babies?”
    He looked a little frightened, and I laughed. “I could use some help babysitting in an hour. I won’t make you change diapers, but I want to be there for my family. I promised Simon I’d look after Joe. So he could visit Mom. You could keep me company.”
    He twirled his hoop earring. “Sure. But later you’ve got to come and meet my grandma. She’s going to eat you up.”
    A spark of anticipation ignited in my chest. I wanted to meet her even though it terrified me. “I hope so. My grandma already called you handsome and polite.”
    “She has impeccable taste.” He chuckled. “You have no idea what you’re getting into with Grams.”
    I shrugged off my nerves. “Piece of cake.” I was lying. But it wasn’t a bad lie.
    He grinned at me. “Whatever, right?”
    “Yeah,” I said, grinning wider. “Whatever.”
    He took my hand. I threw my head back and laughed, and the sound that rolled out from deep inside me echoed loudly in the air between us.
    And then Jackson leaned forward and kissed me.

chapter twenty
    My knees pressed against each other, and swoops of anxiety roller-coastered around my insides, making me even more unsteady on my shaky feet. Water dripped down my face.
    “Are you okay?” Ashley asked from behind me. I turned to look at her.
    Her wet hair was slicked back, the colored tips dripping with water. She looked so much stronger and more powerful in her bathing suit. Her arms were rounded with muscles, her shoulders broad. She was so comfortable and nonchalant in her swimsuit that I felt a little better about prancing around half naked myself. Water from the locker-room showers flowed around her feet.
    “Fine,” I said. “I’m fine.”
    She held