If I Tell

awesome.”
    “He was. He tried so hard to fill the shoes of the man who didn’t want anything to do with me.”
    “Bizarre,” Ashley said. “Not the typical family, I guess.”
    “I guess.” It’s all I knew.
    “The weirdest thing is having a whole line of people I’m related to by blood, but I don’t even know them. The black side of me.”
    “That sucks.” Ashley sneaked a side glance at me, and I saw pity in her expression.
    “I spent a lot of time in therapy as a kid, talking about it.” I grinned, but I wasn’t kidding. “Grandpa insisted.”
    Ashley nodded, but she reached over and squeezed my hand. I squeezed back, and then she took back her hand, shoulder-checked, and turned down a back alley.
    “I spent time in therapy too. My dad thought they might be able to talk me out of being gay.” She laughed. “Actually we spent most of the time talking about him.”
    I laughed.
    “I had one person who got me,” Ashley said. Her voice cracked, and her eyes filled with tears. “My uncle.” She blew out a breath and blinked a few times. “Remember that watch I misplaced at Marnie’s?”
    I nodded. “Yeah.”
    “It was his. He gave it to me when I was thirteen.” She kept one hand on the wheel and slowed down the car as she reached around to her back pocket and pulled the watch out, stroking the face of the watch with her thumb. “He was gay. I mean, he never came out and announced it to me, but he had a live-in boyfriend, and he didn’t hide that or how much they loved each other. His name was Grady, Uncle Grady. He was my mom’s brother.”
    She sniffed, tucked the watch back in her pocket, and tapped the wheel with her fingers. “Dad didn’t care for him much, but I loved him. When Mom was alive, we’d visit him, and later we kept in touch online when he moved to California. He worked as an animator on some big movies.”
    Tap. Tap. Tap. Her fingers went up and down on the steering wheel, tapping to a beat in her head.
    “He died a few years ago. AIDS. We never had the chance to talk about me being gay, but I think he always knew. He said I was his favorite niece. My mom had three other brothers, and they all had kids too.” We came to the end of the alley, and she put on her signal and turned onto a street leading to the older part of town.
    “You see them?” I asked. I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a big, extended family. Nine cousins. It sounded pretty awesome.
    “No. None of them. They’re very conservative. Dad doesn’t have much in common with them either. Besides, they live in Georgia, and without Mom, well, we don’t visit. Probably just as well, given my so-called lifestyle choice.” She smiled, but bitterness turned down the corners of my mouth.
    Worlds away. In miles and beliefs.
    “I’m sorry,” I said. “The kids at your other high school sucked too.”
    “Yeah. But my swim team is awesome. They don’t give a crap. They like me ’cause I swim fast.” She grinned. “And I have you.”
    I nodded. “Yeah, you have me.” I stared out the window at the tall, thick trees lining the streets. They looked so bare. No leaves this time of year. “I wish I had something like swimming.”
    “Well, you have your music,” Ashley said.
    “Yeah. But that’s pretty solitary.”
    “Maybe you should join a band.”
    “I’m more the solo type, and I don’t want to make music a job. I do it because I love it. Anyhow, the music I like is not conducive to bands.”
    “You don’t want to become a rich and famous rock star?”
    “That’s the last thing I want. I play for me. It’s my escape. I’m not much into sharing it with people. Especially not for money.”
    “Not yet. That might change.”
    “I doubt it. I never want it to be something I have to do, you know?”
    “Not really. I have to swim all the time to stay competitive. Sometimes I’d just like to sit on the couch and watch TV.”
    “You would not.”
    “Probably not. I do like me some physical punishment.”
    Ashley kept driving, and both of us took turns talking and then listening. I didn’t bring up my fight with Simon or my mom again. I didn’t mention what had happened with Nathan or my ride home with Jackson. There were still a lot of things I didn’t want to talk about with Ashley. But we had crossed a line into a deeper friendship. And it warmed my heart. I loved the feeling of having someone on my side. Someone off center and on the outside. Like me.
    “You need