If I Tell

Ashley’s mom had died of breast cancer seven or so years back, but she didn’t like to talk about her mom any more than I liked to talk about my dad.
    “Yeah? How come?” I asked.
    “He has a hard time. You know. With me being gay. He struggles with it. I used to be his little princess. That’s what he thought anyway. He didn’t know his princess was hoping that the frog she was kissing would turn out to be a beautiful princess instead of a prince.”
    I laughed and Ashley did too. But then she fell silent as we pulled up to a red light. “I can’t bring home my girlfriend. He won’t deal with it.”
    “You have a girlfriend?”
    The light changed, and she glanced at me again before her eyes went to the road and she put her foot on the gas. “Marnie O’Reilly.”
    I gasped out loud. “Marnie is gay? ” I shouted.
    Ashley laughed. “Apparently.”
    “Holy cow, I had no idea,” I sputtered stupidly.
    Luckily Ashley wasn’t offended. “Marnie is pretty private. We don’t advertise.”
    I nodded, still blown away. Thinking about it, I’d never seen Marnie with a guy. Another person I thought I’d known but didn’t know at all. “So why weren’t you at her party last night?”
    “After swim practice I had to go to a dinner thing with my dad and his girlfriend. Keep up appearances, you know. He likes to pretend we’re fine.”
    I nodded. I didn’t want to tell her about my night at Marnie’s. Or about Nathan.
    “What about you?” she said as if she’d read my mind. “You seeing anyone?”
    I snorted but an image of Jackson’s face appeared in my head. “As if,” I said.
    “As if what?” she asked.
    “Who’d want to go out with me?”
    “You’re kidding, right?” she asked.
    I didn’t say anything. We pulled up to another set of lights, and Ashley stopped but then flipped on her blinker and turned right. I had no idea where we were going.
    “With that gorgeous hair, that face, and those eyes?”
    “You have no idea how much each of those qualities has tormented me since birth.” My eyes were a funny color. Not dark brown or even green. Rusty. Like a rotting old car.
    “You want to go for coffee somewhere?” I asked to change the topic. I looked out on the streets. We were in a residential area but getting closer to farmland.
    “Nah. I like to drive around when I’m in think mode. You mind?”
    I shook my head. It was kind of nice, driving in the dark with nowhere to go or be.
    “You realize you have some serious self-esteem issues,” Ashley said.
    I laughed, but I wiggled in my seat, uncomfortable. “Yeah. Well, you try being biracial in this town. No one wants anything to do with me.” I tried to keep my voice light, as if it didn’t matter. She turned down another street, and a group of young boys were playing hockey on the street. They pulled the net away from the middle of the road so we could pass.
    Ashley made a noise in her throat. “That’s not true. You keep people at a distance. You don’t let anyone in. I mean, even me, and we’re friends.”
    My blood boiled just a bit. “You don’t have any idea,” I told her. I glanced over my shoulder. The hockey game had resumed.
    “So tell me,” she said.
    I bit my lip, wishing life was that simple still, and swiveled back around.
    “You can talk to me. We’re friends.”
    I smiled at that. I wanted to tell her, I did. My sanity was pretty much hanging by my chewed-up nails. I closed my eyes, struggling with the memories that wanted to stay buried.
    “It’s okay, Jaz.”
    My stomach fluttered and I took a deep breath, not sure if it was fear or excitement making me feel nauseous. I wanted to tell someone. Share my shame.
    “Everyone stopped paying attention to me a long time ago.” I closed my eyes, hearing the taunting voices from my past.
    “What happened?” Ashley said softly.
    I opened my eyes and looked at Ashley’s profile. Her hazel eyes sparkled with compassion.
    I wanted to trust her. Let her in. Tell someone what had happened. We drove to the end of the street and turned onto an unpaved road. Without streetlights it was spooky and darker.
    “When I was in fourth grade, I almost drowned at the pool because of the efforts of the entire fourth grade. They wouldn’t let me get to the side. And after that, they started ignoring me. I don’t keep people at a distance. They stay there on their own.”
    “Your fourth-grade class almost drowned you?” Loose rocks sprayed the back bumper of