If I Tell

me all alone. In charge of my baby brother’s life.

chapter eighteen
    Simon walked through the front door hours later, waking me from a light sleep on the couch. He hurried to the playpen, bent down, and scooped up Joe, snuggling him close.
    “Where’s my mom?”
    “I’ll put him upstairs in his crib,” Simon said. “And then we can talk about your mom.”
    “Leave him. I’ll stay on the couch tonight. That way I can get up with him if he cries.”
    Simon shook his head. “No. That’s not your job, Jaz. You’ve done so much already. I’m his dad. I get up with him. He’ll sleep in his crib. I have a baby monitor.”
    I nodded, a little surprised. I’d kind of expected that he would let me be the one to look after Joe. Instead he was being totally responsible and dealing with things head-on.
    “Is my mom okay?”
    “She’s been admitted. She’s in good hands.”
    I bit my lip, waiting as Simon carried little Joe up the stairs to settle him in his room. A few minutes later, Simon returned carrying the baby monitor. He propped it on the coffee table and fell back on the couch, rubbing his eyes.
    “They admitted her?” I asked again.
    He nodded. “The doctors think it’s severe postpartum depression. They’re worried she might be suicidal. They’re going to try to stabilize her with meds.” He looked down at his hands. “They want to keep her in the psych ward for a few weeks.”
    I breathed out. “The psych ward? A few weeks?”
    “It’ll take a while for the medicine to start working, and they can monitor it there. She’s terrified and she’s horrified, but there’s relief in her face too. You know? She’s definitely not herself. She knows she needs help.”
    He stood up and looked around the room, and then he sat again, his face confused.
    “She’s embarrassed to admit she has a mental illness.” He made quote marks in the air with his fingers. “But, she’s so bad right now that she’s willing to do anything to get better. She’s really scared. For the baby.”
    I picked at my nails but didn’t respond.
    “It’s an illness. Like diabetes or something. They have to treat it. The doctor said we shouldn’t be ashamed of her, of what’s happening to her. We want to make sure she gets better.”
    He jumped to his feet again and wandered into the kitchen.
    “I called your grandma. She came to the hospital. I made her meet with the doctor. She’s trying to digest the fact that your mom has a real illness and isn’t just looking for a way out.” He grabbed a glass from the cupboard and went to the sink to pour himself water. “Your grandma’s trying. I’ll give her that.”
    “Grandma’s been kind of tough on her.”
    Simon nodded. “I know, but she talked to some nurses and they gave her material to read. She wants you to stay here tonight since it’s late and to call her in the morning.” He paused. “They gave your mom something to make her sleep. She hasn’t slept in days.” He blinked, dazed. “She needs sleep. No wonder she’s so messed up. She hasn’t slept.”
    He chugged back the water in one gulp.
    “The doctor said it’s part of the illness. Insomnia. He said it’s all a part of it. The panic, feeling like she can’t cope or can’t handle the baby.”
    He put his glass on the counter. “They told me she’ll get better, Jaz. She will get better.”
    “I looked it up on the Internet when you were gone.” I’d googled her symptoms and was led straight to a page on postpartum depression.
    I sighed. “I’m glad you took her to the hospital. Thanks.”
    “I should have known earlier. Man, I should have helped more when Joe was in the hospital,” Simon said. “I thought she was doing okay. I should have known.” He plunked down on the love seat opposite the couch. “I should have taken her in sooner.”
    He cradled his head in his hands.
    My heart opened to him a little. “None of us knew. Grandma hasn’t been helping much either. Or me.” I hung my head. “I haven’t been around. I’ve been kind of avoiding her.”
    Simon exhaled. “You’re a good kid. This is a lot for you to handle.”
    I studied my nails again. He didn’t know the whole truth of everything I’d been handling. His secret too. Him and Lacey.
    “We’re going to get her through this,” Simon said, his voice choked with emotion and conviction. “She’s going to be okay. She’ll be okay.”
    He seemed so genuine. A tear slipped from my eyes and trailed wetly