If I Tell

me with sympathy.
    I took a deep breath. “I had a stupid crush on you, but I’m totally cool with being friends. I mean if you want…I mean, I won’t expect anything more of you. But I’d like to be friends. If you can forgive me.”
    People did it all the time. Hung out with unreciprocated loves. Stayed friends. Jackson and I had so much in common, and I really liked talking with him.
    I held out his hoodie. “Here. I brought this back.”
    “Hey, Jaz, long time no see.”
    I swiveled. Lacey stood behind me, her hands clasped in front of her.
    “Hey, Lacey,” I said, biting my lip and wishing she’d disappear. The girl had the worst timing.
    Lacey squirmed on her feet as if she were nervous too. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you forever. Can I buy you a drink?”
    I glanced at Jackson.
    “You should sit with her. She needs to talk.” Jackson said, and his expression was unreadable. “And keep the hoodie. I don’t need it.”
    I swallowed my disappointment. I’d hoped for forgiveness, maybe even an offer of friendship, but I guess I’d gone too far. He wasn’t going to give either. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you around, maybe at school.” At least I’d apologized. I’d tried. I was proud of myself for doing it, for making an effort to be more forgiving and open.
    I turned to Lacey and made a show of checking my watch. I didn’t want to spend too much time with her. “I guess we can sit and chat for a minute, but I can’t stay long. I have to babysit my brother.”
    “Can I buy you a drink?” she repeated.
    “Nope. I’m good.”
    “Something else?” Lacey shifted from foot to foot.
    “Nope. I’m fine.”
    Her eyes filled with tears, and her face looked pained before she glanced down at her hands, studying her nails.
    “Uh. You okay? You going to get something?”
    “No.”
    “Okay, well, let’s just sit then,” I told her.
    Lacey followed me to a table in the café and plunked down in the seat across from me. “I quit drinking,” she blurted out as soon as her butt touched the chair.
    I realized right away she didn’t mean coffee.
    “The thing is that I got really drunk a couple weeks ago and ended up in the hospital.” She smiled sadly and wiped under her eyes. “It was pretty bad.”
    I reached for my charm bracelet and twisted it around. “Oh, Lacey. I didn’t know. Are you okay?”
    She smiled again, but it didn’t light up her red eyes. “Yeah. I mean, I guess it’s good. It made me see how bad off I was. You know, rock bottom and all that. Anyhow. That’s not the part that I wanted to talk to you about. I hooked up with a guy.” She bent her head and covered her mouth with her hand, covering a shy smile. “Not my usual hookup. I mean, he’s a friend. He took me with him. To a meeting.” She rolled her eyes. “AA.”
    She lifted her hand in a wave. “Hi, my name’s Lacey, and I’m an alcoholic.” She laughed self-consciously.
    I blinked. “Wow. I mean, that’s good, you know, if it’s what you need.”
    “It is. I’m trying to deal with things better. You know, just like they say, one day at a time.”
    I nodded. “You’ve had it tough. I’m glad for you.”
    Her fingers snaked across the table, reaching for me. “I’m truly sorry. About what happened. You know, with Simon.”
    God. It seemed so long ago. A lifetime ago. I held her hand for a moment but then gently pulled away. “You know you didn’t sleep with him, right?”
    Her eyes lit up with relief. “I didn’t?”
    “No. He left. He didn’t want to cheat on my mom. Not all the way.”
    “Thank God. I wasn’t sure. You know my blackouts.”
    “I know,” I told Lacey. “I’m glad you’ve stopped drinking.”
    “Me too.” She cleared her throat. “And that’s even better that it wasn’t so bad because I kind of hoped we might, you know, be friends again someday. You’re the best friend I ever had.”
    I stared down at the table before I looked up at her.
    She sat up straighter, reading my expression and trying to hide her disappointment.
    “No. I mean, I’m really trying to forgive you, Lace. You definitely aren’t yourself when you drink. Drank. I know that. And I’m so sorry about what happened to you when you were younger.” I chewed on my thumbnail.
    “But…” I realized the truth and trusted myself to tell her. “I can forgive you, and I do. I forgive you, but I can’t hang out with you. Not like before. I don’t want to have to worry about awkward