I'll Be Here

the moment I can’t quite think of them.  And if feeling this way is just some sort of subconscious ploy to get myself over my ex it’s sort of overkill because… because… well, I can’t even recall what my ex looks like right now.
    “Can I ask you something?”  I manage between kisses, my breath coming out hot and fast.
    Alex is doing his fair share of hard breathing.  He pulls away from my face and smiles.  “Anything.”
     “Did you know I would be at Dr. Snyder’s office that day when you came in?”
    Alex sighs.  He looks up at the ceiling though his fingers still move delicately over my skin. 
    “Yes.  Your mom told my mom so if you’re asking if I was surprised to see you there, then the answer is no.”
    I think even his chin is lovely.  He didn’t shave this morning and there’s a day’s worth of dark stubble there.  I tilt my head and kiss him there. 
    “Did you really need those papers signed?” 
    Alex’s eyes lock with mine.  “Yes.  Brooke needed her to sign the papers.  That was legit.  But I was there to see you Willow.  And I was at the park to see you also.” 
    I’m confused so Alex explains lifting my face to his with his free hand. 
    “Laney told me where you’d be.  She sent me a message on Facebook and one thing led to the other...”
    Okay, I wasn’t expecting to hear that. 
    “What?”  I practically shout.  I could kill Laney Putnam right now.    
    Alex shifts onto his elbows and cradles the back of my neck.  “Please don’t be mad.  She—Laney, was trying to be a good friend.  And I wanted to see you.  I drove down just in the hopes that I might be able to see you for a half an hour.”  He cringes.  “Jesus.  Do I sound like a total stalker?” 
    Okay, maybe I won’t actually have to kill Laney. 
    “Nooooo, but I am curious about… about how and why you—”
    Alex doesn’t let me finish the question.  He speaks softly to the small space between us.  “After that night,” he begins and he doesn’t have to clarify which night.  I know that he means the night that I tried to kiss him.  The night of the winter solstice party.  The night of the silver stars. 
    “I was so confused.  Willow, it just took me by surprise when you kissed me because I was supposed to be the one that wanted to kiss you and…and I know that I didn’t handle things right, but I was nervous.  And that’s no excuse but what can I say?”
    Big breath.  “The thing is,” he continues, grabbing at my fingers and pulling my hand to his chest.   “I liked you.  God, I thought about you all of the time and I swear that I couldn’t stop thinking about you if I tried.  Trust me.  I did try.”
    My head is moving back and forth.  “But, why didn’t you say anything?
    His shoulders drop.  “Because you were too young.  Because of our parents.  Because I was going to be leaving for college.  I know that those aren’t good reasons but I kept telling myself that it was a bad idea.  That we would both get hurt.”
    I continue to shake my head and roll my hand flat over the place where his heart beats.  “Wow.” 
    Alex looks away from me.  His eyes are squinted. 
    “I called a few times after that night but you never called me back.  I know now that I should have come over here.  I should have climbed up the trellis to your balcony like—”
    I can’t help but giggle.  “Alex, I don’t have a trellis or a balcony.”  
    He smiles faintly.  “You know what I mean Willow.” 
    And I do know what he means. 
    “But, I didn’t come over here.  I even stopped calling.  I had a lot of excuses.  I told myself that you’d changed your mind, or that I was waiting for the perfect moment.  But the truth is that I was scared.  And when we found out that Julie was sick, I didn’t want to be another complication in your life.  I thought that I could hold out until things were more certain with your mom before throwing this huge thing at you.  I know now that it was an idiotic move because one day my mom mentioned that you had a new boyfriend.”  He pauses, searching my eyes for something. 
    “At first, I didn’t worry.  I thought that he would be like the others—around just long enough for you to learn his middle name.  But, then he ended up being around longer than I’d planned on and well… well, you know the rest of the story.”
    Yes, I do.
    Alex is waiting for me.  He’s already said so much and now