Lamb: the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

guy!”
    “We are all scrawny brown guys,” Joshua said, making peace.
    “Yeah, but he’s bug-eyed.”
    “And you are a heretic.”
    “You’re a heretic!”
    “No, you are a heretic.”
    “We’re all scrawny brown heretics,” said Joshua, calming things down again.
    “Well, of course I’m scrawny,” I said. “Six years of cold rice and tea, and not a scrap of beef for sale in the whole country.”
    “You would eat beef? You heretic!” shouted Rumi.
    “Enough!” shouted Joshua.
    “No one may eat a cow. Cows are the reincarnations of souls on their way to the next life.”
    “Holy cow,” Josh said.
    “That is what I am saying.”
    Joshua shook his head as if trying to straighten jumbled thoughts. “You said that there were four castes, but you didn’t mention Untouchables.”
    “Harijans, Untouchables, have no caste, we are the lowest of the low. We may have to live many lifetimes before we even ascend to the level of a cow, and then we may become higher caste. Then, if we follow our dharma, our duty, as a higher caste, we may become one with Brahma, the universal spirit of all. I can’t believe you don’t know this, have you been living in a cave?”
    I was going to point out that Rumi was in no position to criticize where we had been living, but Joshua signaled me to let it go. Instead I said, “So you are lower on the caste system than a cow?” I asked.
    “Yes.”
    “So these Brahmans won’t eat a cow, but they will take your daughter and kill her for their goddess?”
    “And eat her,” said Rumi, hanging his head. “At midnight on the night of the feast they will take her and the other children and tie them to the wooden elephants. They will cut off the children’s fingers and give one to the head of each Brahman household. Then they will catch her blood in a cup and everyone in the household will taste it. They may eat the finger or bury it for good luck. After that the children are hacked to death on the wooden elephants.”
    “They can’t do that,” Joshua said.
    “Oh yes, the cult of Kali may do anything they wish. It is her city, Kalighat.” [ “Calcutta” on the Friendly Flyer map. ] “My little Vitra is lost. We can only pray that she is reincarnated to a higher level.”
    Joshua patted the Untouchable’s hand. “Why did you call Biff a heretic when he told you that we were Buddhist monks?”
    “That Gautama said that a man may go directly from any level to join Brahma, without fulfilling his dharma, that is heresy.”
    “That would be better for you, wouldn’t it? Since you’re on the bottom of the ladder?”
    “You cannot believe what you do not believe,” Rumi said. “I am an Untouchable because my karma dictates it.”
    “Oh yeah,” I said. “No sense sitting under a bodhi tree for a few hours when you can get the same thing through thousands of lifetimes of misery.”
    “Of course, that’s ignoring the fact that you’re a gentile and going to suffer eternal damnation either way,” said Josh.
    “Yeah, leaving that out altogether.”
    “But we’ll get your daughter back,” Joshua said.

    Joshua wanted to rush into Kalighat and demand the return of Rumi’s daughter and the release of all the other victims in the name of what was good and right. Joshua’s solution to everything was to lead with righteous indignation, and there is a time and a place unto that, but there is also a time for cunning and guile (Ecclesiastes 9 or something). I was able to talk him into an alternate plan by using flawless logic:
    “Josh, did the Vegemites smite the Marmites by charging in and demanding justice at the end of a sword? I think not. These Brahmans cut off and eat the fingers of children. I know there’s no finger-cutting commandment, Josh, but still, I’m guessing that these people think differently than we do. They call the Buddha a heretic, and he was one of their princes. How do you think they’ll receive a scrawny brown kid claiming to be the son of a god who doesn’t even live in their area?”
    “Good point. But we still have to save the child.”
    “Of course.”
    “How?”
    “Extreme sneakiness.”
    “You’ll have to be in charge then.”
    “First we need to see this city and this temple where the sacrifices will be held.”
    Joshua scratched his head. His hair had mostly grown back, but was still short. “The Vegemites smote the Marmites?”
    “Yeah, Excretions three-six.”
    “I don’t remember that. I guess I need to brush up