Life and Death are Wearing Me Out

started out through the wheat field than I spotted Yingchun hurrying my way with a rattan basket. The wheat tassels rustled when they brushed her hips as she passed by. The look on her face was that of a wife who is late delivering food to her husband as he labors in the field. Though they lived apart, they hadn’t divorced. And though they hadn’t divorced, the joys of the bedroom were denied them. Deep down I felt good about that. As a pig, I shouldn’t have given a damn one way or the other where human sex was concerned, but after all, I’d been her husband when I walked the earth as Ximen Nao. The distinct aroma of liquor emanating from her hung in the chilled farmland air. She stopped when she was no more than a couple of yards from Lan Lian to look at his slightly hunched back as, with great agility, he fanned away the moths with his bamboo pole. Back and forth it waved, whistling in the wind. Their wings weighted down by dew, their bellies heavy with eggs, the moths flew awkwardly. I’m sure he knew he was being watched, and probably guessed it was Yingchun, but instead of stopping, he merely slowed down the pace of his waving.
    “Children’s father . . .” Finally she spoke.
    The pole stopped in midair after a couple more swings. Like a scarecrow, he just stood there without moving.
    “The children are married. We needn’t worry any longer,” Ying-chun said. Then she sighed. “I’ve brought you a bottle of liquor. Whatever else he may be, he’s still your son.”
    Lan Lian made a grunting sound and swung the pole back and forth twice.
    “Director Pang brought his wife and daughter to the banquet and presented both couples with framed mirrors inlaid with images of Chairman Mao.” Raising her voice slightly, she said emotionally, “Director Pang has been promoted to head of a cotton processing plant, and he’s agreed to give jobs to Jiefang and Hezuo. It was Secretary Hong’s idea. Jinlong, Baofeng, and Jiefang have been treated well by Secretary Hong, who is a good man. Don’t you think we should comply with his wishes?”
    The pole waved violently in the air, snagging some flying moths in the red cloth; with loud chirps they crashed to the ground.
    “Okay, I shouldn’t have said anything. Don’t be angry. Do as you wish. By now everyone’s used to what you’re doing. This is, after all, our sons’ wedding day, and I’ve come out here in the middle of the night so you can drink some of the wedding liquor. I’ll leave after that.”
    Yingchun took a bottle out of her basket; it sparkled in the moonlight. After removing the cork, she walked up and handed it to him from behind.
    The pole stopped again. He stood frozen to the spot. I saw tears glisten in his eyes as he rested the pole on his shoulder and tipped back his hat to gaze at the moon, which, naturally, looked down sadly at him. He took the bottle, but didn’t turn his head.
    “Maybe you’re right, all of you, maybe I’m the only one who’s wrong. But I made a vow, and if I’m wrong, then that’s how I’ll end up.”
    “After Baofeng is married,” Yingchun said, “I’ll leave the commune and stay with you.”
    “No, independent farming means doing it alone. I don’t need anybody else. I have nothing against the Communist Party and I definitely have nothing against Chairman Mao. I’m not opposed to the People’s Commune or to collectivization. I just want to be left alone to work for myself. Crows everywhere in the world are black. Why can’t there be at least one white one? That’s me, a white crow!” He splashed some of the liquor up toward the moon and, in a voice as rousing, as stirring, and as desolate as I’ve ever heard, cried out, “Moon, you’ve accompanied me in my labors all these years, you’re a lantern sent to me by the Old Man in the Sky. I’ve tilled the soil by your light, I’ve sown seeds by your light, and I’ve brought in harvests by your light. . . . You say nothing, you are never angry or resentful, and I’m forever in your debt. So tonight permit me to drink to you as an expression of my gratitude. Moon, I’ve troubled you for so long!”
    The colorless liquor dispersed in the air like pearls tinged with blue. The moon trembled slightly and winked at Lan Lian. I can’t remember being so moved by anything. In an age when throngs of people sang the praises of the sun, it was unheard of for someone to hold such deep feelings for the moon. Lan Lian poured the last few drops of the