Light in the Shadows

              By the time our session was winding down, I felt like I had run a marathon.  I was exhausted.  Looking at Maggie, I knew she was as drained as well.  Shaemus handed Maggie a notebook.
                    “I recommend you to start journaling.  It’s great in helping to identify feelings and motivations you perhaps didn’t know you had.”  I tried not to roll my eyes.  Therapists and their fucking journals.
                    Shaemus followed us out of his office.  “You both did well today.  That was a lot to share.  I’d really like for you both to meet with me again.  Clay comes twice a week.  Maggie, perhaps you could come every other week.  What are your thoughts?”  Shaemus suggested. 
                    Maggie was holding my hand again and she peered up at me and my heart stopped.  There was real happiness in her eyes. 
                    “I think I’d like that,” she said.  Shaemus smiled at the both of us.
                    “Wonderful.  Well then you two, have a good evening.  Clay, I will see you next Tuesday and Maggie I’ll see you in two weeks.  It was wonderful to meet such an amazing young woman.”  He shook her hand again and Maggie flushed at the compliment. 
                    Walking outside, it felt like we had spent days inside the office.  We had entered one way and left as something completely different.
                    Once we were both buckled in our seats and I was pulling out into traffic, Maggie popped a CD into the player.  “Wow.  That was intense.  Is that how it always is?” she asked.
                  I laughed, relieved that she didn’t hate me for dragging her there.
                    “No, it’s not always like that.  Sometimes it’s actually pretty chill.  But usually the first few times can be rough,” I told her. 
                    Maggie tapped her fingers on the dashboard in time to the music.  She stopped abruptly and pressed her hands down on the plastic. 
                  “I’m glad I went.  I feel like this could be good for us,” she said seriously. 
                    I reached over and placed my hand on her thigh, just needing to touch her.  I always needed to touch her. 
                  “Me too, Mags,” I agreed softly and then fell silent.  Neither of us spoke again, letting our newfound contentment do all the talking for us.
     

C HAPTER T WENTY     
    - M AGGIE-
     
     
     
                    Things were pretty freaking fantastic.  Better than I could have ever dared to hope for.  After that horrible day in the cafeteria and then accompanying Clay to therapy, I felt like we had entered a new chapter.  I was done with waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Now that I was hearing, straight from Clay’s mouth, how he struggled, about how hard things still were for him, I didn’t obsess so much about being blindsided.  I felt like for once all of our cards were on the table.
                    I still worried about him.  Hearing him tell Shaemus about how he still thought of cutting himself.  That I unwittingly triggered these responses because of his deep seeded feelings of shame and guilt were damn near impossible to listen to. 
                    I would stare at Rachel and Daniel and wish like hell Clay and I could get to that point where we were passed the bullshit and just living our lives, with each other.  Like any other normal couple.
                    But that wasn’t our lot and I was learning to accept it.  Life with Clayton Reed would never be sunshine and roses.  It would be lots of shadows with intermittent light.  And I was beginning to figure out ways to appreciate the light when I saw it.  Because that darkness was still there.  It most likely would always be there. 
                    We were working on it though, together.  And that was saying something. 
                    So we slipped into a much better place than we had ever been before.  Everyone could see the change in not only Clay but in me as well.  Rachel commented on it after school one day.
                    “You seem happy, Mags.  So does Clay.  It makes me feel good to know you’re feeling good.” Rachel was simplistic like