Light in the Shadows

              “Excuse me?” I said a little angrily.  Dr. Todd leaned forward, his eyes intense as he looked at me.
     
                    “I said good.  I’m glad you felt like crap.  That you were mad at yourself.”  I opened my mouth to say something that would have definitely been dickish but Dr. Todd kept going.  “Because if you’re feeling horrible about it, then you’re not feeling good because you did it.  Yes, you felt the euphoria at first, but the fact that you started to feel the shame and guilt afterward proves that you are starting to rework the way your brain responds to the pain.  That it’s not the escape it used to be.  You’ve reframed your feelings about cutting and that’s a huge step, Clay.”  Dr. Todd smiled and I sat there sort of dumb struck. 
     
                    “But it doesn’t change the fact that I cut.  That I felt like cutting after talking to…” I stopped, realizing that I had yet to come clean about my late night phone call last night. 
     
                    Dr. Todd narrowed his eyes.  “You called Maggie,” he stated.  I nodded.  No sense in denying it.  So I waited for the expected chastising.  The millions of reasons why it was a bad idea to contact her.  If she drives me to cut, I wasn’t ready to communicate with her yet.  Blah, blah, blah.
     
                    But damned if the good doc didn’t surprise me once again.
     
                    “I’m glad.”  My mouth dropped open.  I was extremely confused by this turn in things.  Dr. Todd chuckled at my reaction.  “I’m not going to berate you, Clay.  I think you need to learn to face obstacles, not avoid them.  You’ve been dealing with a lot of complicated emotions when it comes to Maggie.  And for the first time, I feel like you’re really taking charge of your life.  You’re finding your control.” 
     
                    “Uh, but I cut myself afterwards.  Isn’t that…I don’t know, counterproductive or something?”  I was looking for the punch line.  The “Just kidding, you’re a royal screw up.” But it didn’t come.
     
                    Dr. Todd picked up his notepad and pen and started writing.  “Yes, you did.  And you had a right to feel the anger, the hurt, the pain.  Those emotions are okay because they’re yours.  You don’t have to explain to anyone, let alone me, why you feel the way you do.  And you met those feelings head on, Clay.  In the past you attempted to avoid any and all situations that elicited a strong emotional response from you.  But you went head first into something that you knew would be hard for you.  That takes courage.  And you should be proud of the fact that you fought hard to not let your fear stop you from doing something you knew that you needed to do.”  Dr. Todd put the pen down and looked at me again.  “It’s important for you to try and not focus on the act of cutting, instead look at the way you were feeling. Identify the triggers and figure out an alternate response.  Let’s review your self-harm plan and see if there’s anything you could change or add.” 
     
                    We spent the next ten minutes going over the plan we had devised together in my first week of treatment.   It outlined ways for me to cope that didn’t involve self-harming behaviors.  Okay, so I had been a bit of a shit when I had first written it.  Because there was no way in hell I’d “pick flowers” or “hum a Mamas and Papas song.”  I was also pretty sure that Dr. Todd knew I had been mocking the whole process when we had compiled the list.  Because he wouldn’t let me take things away, only add to it.  It was damn embarrassing to see some of the crap I had put down because I was being an oppositional jack ass.  But I guess that was the reason I couldn’t remove them.  Touché Dr. Todd.  Touché.
     
                    “Thanks, Doc,” I said sincerely, realizing we were at the end of our session.  I picked up my journal and headed for the door.  Dr. Todd followed me out.  He clasped my shoulder, a first for him.
     
                    “I’m proud of you, Clay.”  And the validation was something I needed so desperately that I could have cried with the relief of it.  I nodded my head and tucked my journal under my arm as I headed back