Light in the Shadows

with the adjustment.  And I expect that to be magnified exponentially given your situation.”
                    Shit, he wasn’t pulling any punches.  “I know, alright.  You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already thought about.”  I wasn’t going into this thing blind.  For the first time in my life I was entering a situation with my blinders off.  Sure I was freaked out a bit.  I’d be an idiot not to be.  But I wasn’t going to let my fear stop me from being there for Ruby. 
                    “Good, being prepared is essential.  But, Clay, I’d like you to check in with me daily while you’re in Davidson.  That way if things come up, you have a means of processing them.”  I tried not to feel insulted by the suggestion.  I didn’t need a goddamned babysitter. 
                    I ran my hand over my arms in agitation, feeling the ridges of old scars.  Okay, so maybe a babysitter wasn’t such a bad idea.
                    “Sure, I’ll call you.”  Dr. Todd picked up a file on his desk and pulled a paper out and handed it to me.  It was my no harm contract. 
                    “Take this with you, read it, remember it.”  I folded up the sheet and put it in my back pocket.  He was really covering all bases here. 
                    “Thanks, Doc, I appreciate it.  I honestly don’t know how long I would have lasted if I hadn’t come here.” I hadn’t really expressed my gratitude for the staff at Grayson.  But it seemed important that I say it now.
                    “It’s what we’re here for,” was all Dr. Todd said in reply.  I got to my feet.  “Jacqui will give you your medications before you leave this evening.  And if you need anything, Clay, anything at all, know that you can call either me or the other staff here, day or night.  Someone will always be here.”  His words were reassuring and it made me feel less alone.
                    “Thanks,” I said again before leaving. 
                    The rest of the day was spent going to group and finishing up the homework I had yet to complete.  I hung out with Tyler and Greg.  Had lunch with Maria.  I was trying to work up the courage to leave the place that had provided the safety and security I had so desperately needed for the last three months. 
                    Even though I had imagined what it would be like to finally leave the center, the reality was a hell of a lot different than I thought it would be.  This is not the way I wanted to be leaving.  Even with my intentions of coming back, it didn’t change that I was walking out the door into a world that was vastly different from when I left it. 
     
    ***
     
    Thirty minutes before I was due to head to the airport to catch my flight, Lydia came to get me.  “Your mother is on the phone and is asking to speak to you,” she informed me, leading me to her office.  I closed my eyes and clenched my fists.  What the fuck did she want?  Though deep down, I knew exactly what she wanted.
                    I picked up the phone and gritted my teeth.  “Hi, Mom,” I said shortly.  Lydia had left her office but kept the door open.  I had a feeling she was listening carefully to this particular conversation.  It was no secret that my parents were like an emotional bomb for me.  There was no telling how I’d react.
                    “What’s this I hear about you flying to Virginia?  That is completely unacceptable!” her frosty voice cut through the line. 
                     “Nice to hear from you, Mom,” I replied sarcastically.  She completely ignored my statement.
                  “You are not going to Virginia.  How could you even think of doing something so stupid?  After everything you put your father and I through with your little suicide attempt!  And now you’re trying to ruin everything all over again!  Do you have no self-respect?”  She sounded disgusted.  And I’m sure she was.  I wish I didn’t care.  And some part of me had learned to stop being so hung up in my desire for her approval.
                    But that didn’t completely drown out that small part of me that did still care.  And that part of me needed to be cut the hell out.  Forcibly if necessary.