Light in the Shadows

I’m glad I got to hang out with her when she came down here.  I wish I could be there for you.  We all do.  We’ll be thinking of you,” Maria said softly, smiling in a wistful kind of way.
                    “Thanks. I really needed to hear that,” I told her truthfully.  I was running on auto pilot right now.  Not sure what the hell I was going to do when my plane touched down in Virginia.  I had called Ruby that morning to let her know I would be flying in tonight.  She insisted on coming to get me, even when I argued that I could rent a car.  She wouldn’t hear it, saying she needed to be the one to do it.  I didn’t try to talk her out of it.  There was no point.  She’d be there to get me, no matter what.  She had always been there for me.  And that wouldn’t stop just because her life had detonated.
                    Maria came over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist.  I slowly brought my arms up to hug her back.  She rested her cheek on my chest and I lowered my chin to the top of her head.  We stood that way for a while until I pulled away.
                    Maria took my hand between hers and held on.  “I’ll miss you,” she confessed, looking embarrassed for some reason.  I squeezed her hands before pulling away. 
                    “You too.” I smiled at her and she tried to smile back.  I looked at the clock on the wall and realized I had to get to my meeting with Dr. Todd.  “I’ve got to get going.  You want to meet up for lunch?” I asked her, feeling strange with the tension in the room.  I wasn’t exactly sure what this was, but I just knew I had to get away from it.
                    I knew Maria meant well, but I also knew how much she had come to depend on our friendship.  And I just couldn’t handle worrying about what that would mean for her when I left.  I didn’t like having anyone dependent on me for their happiness.  Because that hadn’t worked out so well the last time it had happened. 
                    “Sure,” she said, taking note of the way I moved away from her.   She respected my need for space and let me walk away.  I hurried to Dr. Todd’s office and he was already waiting for me.
                    “Clay.  How are you?” he asked after I closed the door behind me.  I only shrugged as I sat down.
                  “I’m not really sure,” I answered honestly.  Dr. Todd nodded.
                    “That’s understandable.  You’ve gone through a lot in the last twelve hours.”  Dr. Todd crossed his arms over his chest.  “How long are you planning to be in Virginia?” he asked me.
                    I knew the question was coming, I just wish I knew how to answer him.  “I don’t know.  I don’t think Ruby has even started making funeral arrangements yet.  I planned on getting there and then I guess I’ll just have to see.”  I was being purposefully vague.  Because the truth was I had no idea what to expect.
                    “I get that.  I really do.  But Clay, I’m okay with this visit because I know how important it is for you and your healing to be there for Ruby.  I am concerned about how this will impact your ongoing progress though, I can’t lie.”  I rubbed the space between my eyebrows, feeling the beginnings of a headache.
                    “I know, Dr. Todd.  But last night, instead of cutting, I spent hours drawing. Even with everything going on. So that’s something, right? But regardless, I need to go.” My statement left no room for argument. I was getting on that plane at six-thirty and there was nothing Dr. Todd or anyone else could say to change my mind.
                    Dr. Todd lifted his hands in a placating gesture.  “I know, Clay.  But we still need to make some plans, should things get difficult for you while you’re there.  You’ve worked too hard and come too far.  This trip will test you in every possible way.  Given the circumstances you find yourself in, anticipate old patterns to start becoming extremely appealing.  We have only started scratching the surface of the way your mind reacts to stressors.  The nature of this visit will be mentally and emotionally taxing.  Being here at Grayson is like living in a bubble.  Once leaving it, a lot of people have a hard time