Light in the Shadows

where I had left them.
     
                    I stuck my hand inside and purposefully made myself move past the scrap book to grab ahold of my sketch pad and pencils.  I sat down at my desk and turned on the lamp.  Popping my ear buds in, I scrolled through my music until I found some Apocalyptica and cranked it.  Then I started drawing.  Sketch after sketch, I poured everything out of me through my fingers and onto the paper.
     
                    Hours passed and I was still drawing.  Tyler had come in and tried to talk to me but I ignored him.  He knew me well enough to leave it alone.  Maria had stopped by, obviously hearing about Lisa but I ignored her as well.  I didn’t drop my pencil for a moment.  I was like a man possessed. 
     
                    I stopped sometime around midnight.  Pictures littered the surface of my desk and the only light came from the soft glow of my lamp.  I could hear Tyler’s soft breathing and knew the aide on duty would soon be coming around to check on everyone. 
     
                    I started to leaf through the sketches and realized I couldn’t even remember what I had been drawing.  I had let my emotions take over.  And it had worked.  I had been able to channel my self-destructive needs into something else.
     
                    There were drawings of trees and fields.  A few of the ocean and more than a dozen of Lisa.  Lisa with Ruby.  Lisa reading a book.  Lisa cooking dinner.  I took these and bundled them together.  I would give them to Ruby. 
     
                    I started to pile up the rest when I realized what else I had drawn in my frenzy.  Of course, I should have known that when I put pencil to paper, her face would materialize.  It always did.
     
                    I touched the curve of Maggie’s cheek that I carefully and precisely depicted.  Her eyes were closed, as if in pain.  And I couldn’t ignore what going back to Davidson would mean for me.  I would be ripping open the wound that I had worked really hard to stitch closed.  Even if the sutures were only now starting to heal.
     
                    I sighed and shoved the pictures into my desk drawer and turned off the lamp.  Crawling into bed, I curled in on myself and fought against the personal demons that threatened to ruin everything.
     
     

C HAPTER N INE     
    - C LAY-
     
     
     
                    I stuffed clothes into my suitcase.  I’m not sure why, but I started putting everything inside.  My pictures, my books, everything.  I had every intention of coming back after the funeral but something inside me told me to be prepared.
                  “So you’re leaving, huh?”  I looked over my shoulder to see Maria standing in the doorway, hands shoved in the pockets of her hoodie.  Her smile was hesitant and I could tell she was unhappy.
                    “Yeah, my plane leaves at six-thirty,” I answered her, turning back to the pile on my bed.  Maria didn’t say anything else and she didn’t come any further into my room.  When I was finished, I closed the lid to my suitcase and zipped it.  Heaving it off the bed, it fell to the floor with a thud.  I ran my hands through my hair and knew it was sticking up all over the place but I didn’t give a shit.
                    I had slept like crap.  My eyes were gritty and tired.  My mind was fuzzy and my mouth felt dry.  I felt like I had been run over.  Maria leaned against the jam and watched me quietly.  “You coming back?” she asked looking around my now very bare room.  Tyler’s side was still a wreck but mine was devoid of any sign that I had ever occupied it.
                    “I plan on it,” I said unconvincingly.  Because I knew, even then, that it would be hard to leave once I got home.  Not when Ruby needed me.  But I had promised myself that I still had to make my treatment a priority.  But priorities had a way of changing.
                    “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you will,” Maria said with a sad resignation. 
                  “Maria.  Look…” I started but she held up her hand, stopping me. 
                    “I get it, Clay.  You don’t have to explain.  I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about Lisa.  She was really cool.