Light in the Shadows

“Aunt Ruby,” I got out, my voice cracking.  I heard her broken sob on the other end.
     
                    “Clay, honey.  I’m so glad you called,” Ruby said through gasping breaths.  And then she started crying.  I was paralyzed.  I didn’t know what to do.  I wasn’t used to playing the role of comforter.  My entire life, these roles had been reversed.  It was Ruby picking up the pieces and trying to put me together again.
     
                    I didn’t know how to do the same for her.  And I felt horrible because of it.  I felt useless.  So I did the only thing I could.  I let her cry while I let out my own tears.  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Clay,” Ruby whispered, her voice hoarse. 
     
                    My head was a mess.  I couldn’t get my thoughts together.  I was in shock, I knew that.  My body felt numb and I couldn’t focus.  But I needed to say something.  “I’m coming home,” was all I said. 
     
                    “I…Clay…no, you have to think about yourself right now.  Lisa wouldn’t want you to compromise your treatment,” Ruby argued and I immediately cut her off.
     
                    “Stop it Ruby, I’m coming home.  I need to be there.” My throat constricted and I put my head on the top of the desk.  I wasn’t sure it was the best decision for me.  But there was no other choice to make.  Of course I’d go. 
     
                    “Thank you.  So much.  I just don’t know what to do…so many things to think about.” Ruby started crying again and I hated being a thousand miles away. 
     
                    “I’ll be there soon,” I promised before we got off the phone.  I told Ruby I’d call her when I arranged a flight.  After hanging up I turned to Dr. Todd, not sure if I was going to get a fight about my leaving.  But the truth was I didn’t care.  Nothing would stop me from getting on a plane to Virginia.
     
                  “I want to buy a plane ticket,” I said shortly.  Dr. Todd looked at me steadily but simply nodded. 
     
                    “I can arrange for you to do that,” he replied, getting on the phone and calling Louis, the daytime administrator, giving me permission to use the internet to secure a flight. 
     
                    “I need to go back to my room and get my wallet.  I need my credit card,” I said, knowing how wobbly I sounded. 
     
                    “This is a lot to take in, Clay.  After you make your flight reservation, go to your room, take the afternoon off.  Get some rest.  Give Louis your itinerary and he’ll make sure it gets to me.  But I’d like to meet first thing in the morning.”  I only nodded.  There was nothing else to say.
     
                    So I went through the motions.  I was able to get a flight from Miami International to Dulles for tomorrow evening.  Twenty-four hours and I would be back in Virginia.  I couldn’t allow myself to think about what that would mean for me.  I was only focused on the new gaping hole in my heart. 
     
                    Because Lisa, my aunt’s tough as nails but with the heart of gold, girlfriend was dead.  Christ.  I had never been able to handle grief and change in any sort of healthy way.  My first instinct was to hurt myself.  Dig deep into my skin and watch myself bleed.  Or get so wasted that thinking wasn’t an option.  It would be so easy to lose myself in something like that.  I wet my lips with my tongue, practically salivating at the thought. 
     
                    No!  God damn it, NO!   I started to pace the floor of my room.  As though wearing a hole in my floor would do something.  After that accomplished absolutely nothing, I tried to lie down and close my eyes.  Still nothing.  Nothing was helping.  I tried to remember those super awesome coping skills that were supposed to get me through the hard stuff. 
     
                    Squeezing my eyes shut I tried to reframe.  When that didn’t help I started to feel pretty desperate.  I needed something to distract me from either finding something sharp and pointy or something pharmaceutical.  Opening my eyes I saw the bag of birthday stuff in the corner.  I had yet to put my gifts away, so they still sat in the same spot