Light in the Shadows

outcast who had become the guy with suicidal tendencies.
                    The gossip pissed me off.  It unearthed my need to protect and defend him.  But I was also unabashedly thankful for it.  I clung to every tiny shred of news I could hear about him. 
                    Because Clayton Reed was back in Davidson and I was prepared for him to blow my world apart…again.
                    Rachel and Daniel were driving me a little insane.  They wouldn’t let me out of their sights.  Insisting on staying at my house last night so that we could watch movies and “hang out.” 
                    Whatever.  That was best friend code for eliminating all possibilities for stupid decision making.  Which included calling, visiting, or otherwise stalking my former boyfriend.  Not that I would do such a thing.  I mean, I was so past all that.  So says the girl who fell to sleep last night staring at a picture of said former boyfriend that I secretly stowed away in the back of my closet.
                    Alright, so I was sickeningly excited to see Clay.  How fucked up was that?  To be happy to see him in light of what he was here for.  It was beyond selfish and beyond wrong.  But it was there nonetheless.
                    And Rachel, in her all seeing best friendy ways, saw it right away.  “Mags, don’t make this into something more than it is.  He’s here for Lisa’s funeral.  He’s not here to reunite and whisk you away in some romantic happily ever after.  You’ve moved on.  You’re actually starting to live your life again.  You have a future to look forward to.  So don’t expect something he damn sure can’t give you.  He made himself very clear with that letter.  Remember that,” Rachel had warned me last night as she waited for Daniel, who had gone out to start the car so he could drive her home.
                    Her words were pretty mean and I sucked in a painful breath in response.  Shit, this girl was ruthless.  But also annoyingly accurate.  “Damn Rach, that was harsh.  When did you become a mega bitch?” I griped, trying to cover up how bothered I was by her words. 
                    She arched her eyebrow and leveled the look in my direction.  The look that said she was about to throw off the gloves and smack some shit into me.  “I watched you self-destruct once over Clayton Reed and I won’t see you do it again.  It’s cool that you’re going to the funeral out of respect for Ruby and for Lisa.  I get that you want to be there for that.  But just don’t go tomorrow thinking it’s going to herald the new age of Maggie and Clay.  You’ve been down that path before and it only brought about depression and significant weight loss,” Rachel said with more snark than I thought her capable of.
                    “You’ve been hanging out with me way too long, Rachel Bradfield,” I complained, trying to change the subject.  Clay would always be a bone of contention between us.  Rachel and Daniel, while endlessly supportive, had expressed their opinions (however gently) on the matter.  He was bad news.  Even though they understood on some level why he had acted the way he had, it didn’t change the outcome.  He had pulled me into his darkness and I had almost lost myself there.  It was only now, after all these months, I was starting to find my way back from it. 
                    The front door had opened before Rachel could say anything else, bringing with it a blast of cold March air.  “Am I missing out on some girl talk?  Come on, fill me in ladies.”  Daniel rubbed his hands together, trying to warm them up. 
                    I shook my head at Rachel, warning her to keep her mouth shut.  I didn’t need to hear the same shit over again from Daniel.  One best friend nagging me was enough.  But even though her delivery annoyed me, I took her words to heart.  And whether she realized it or not, I truly had no plans to walk down that road ever again.
                    I could be perversely excited to see Clay again.  I could want to know how he was holding up and whether he was all right.  But that didn’t change the fact that my life needed to go on without him in it.  He had his treatment and I had my future.  And those two things didn’t coincide.  They never