Lost in You

can ask my dad; he just pushes a book in front of me and tells me the answer is in there… somewhere.
    “I didn’t realize you even knew who she was.”
    “I didn’t, Dylan. I was about to leave the party when she stopped me. We went outside and started talking. It was better than sitting there by myself all night long.”
    “You talked all night long?”
    “Mostly, I don’t know.” I hate being questioned. My hand finds the back of my hair as I walk away from Dylan. People wonder why I choose to stay home. Simply put, solitude in my bedroom, surrounded by the dingy white walls is better than being analyzed under a microscope because I spoke to a girl all night long.
    “How do you not know?”
    I shake my head, wishing she’d let this go. I don’t want to talk about what Hadley and I did out on the balcony. I’d rather remember the way I held her in my arms or how she slept on my shoulder. How we didn’t need blankets. How kept each other warm. I don’t want to cheapen my memories of being brave enough to kiss her. My first kiss and I experienced it with a beautiful woman who wanted me to kiss her, repeatedly.
    “Are you not going to answer me?”
    “I don’t know, D. I don’t want to talk about what happened.”
    “Why not?” she asks, moving closer to me. “You’re my best friend. We tell each other everything.”
    No, she tells me everything. I sit and listen and nod when it’s appropriate. I’ve never had anything to tell her and I’m not sure I want to start now. Besides, what if Hadley doesn’t want anyone to know what we did.
    “You tell me everything. I’ve never had anything to tell.”
    “So nothing happened between you and Hadley Carter?”
    I shake my head.
    “You spent all night with her, on a balcony where none of us could see what was going on and nothing happened?”
    I shake my head. This time I bite my tongue to keep from speaking out. I hate lying, but protecting Hadley seems more important right now.
    Dylan sighs as she looks away. She turns away and starts walking back to her car. I think she’s upset. I guess she has a right to be. I did end up ditching her at the party in favor of Hadley. I just wanted to be with her, she made me feel… special. For the first time, I felt wanted.
    I walk back to the car, slowly. I’m waiting for Dylan to speed away leaving me standing here in a cloud of dust. When I reach for the door, the car starts. I hesitate. I’d like to think she won’t pull away, but I’ve seen others do it and it always makes her laugh so maybe this time she’s thinking she’d try it with me.
    I open the door and jump in, causing her to laugh. I start laughing, which eases the tension in the car. She pulls out and heads to my parents. The quick drive seems to happen so much faster. I’m dreading the moment I walk in and hope that only my mom is home. When she turns onto my dirt road, I see both my parents out front. This is not good.
    I give Dylan a silent goodbye as I slip out of her car. My mom smiles softly at me. Her long blond hair is nothing like Hadley’s. Where hers is full, my mom’s lays limp upon her back as if there's no life there. Her brown eyes are hidden behind dark, chunky glasses. I’ve told her many times to get contacts because I think she’s beautiful, but she mutters something about being vain and leaves the room.
    My dad comes around the front of his truck. His coveralls are stained with grease. He’s wringing his hands together with an old towel. His blue eyes bore into me. I have to look away, breaking eye contact and remembering that I’m almost eighteen and I’ll be leaving soon. My intention is to stay until graduation but I may not make it.
    “Hi,” I say meekly. My dad scares the living shit out of me and I don’t want to cross him. The way he’s looking at me makes me think I’m about to be told to go out back and pick my own stick for an ass beating.
    My mom looks over and smiles. I wish she’d smile more. Somehow I think when they started dating she expected a bit more out of their relationship, but no, Joe Stone was destined to stay in Brookfield and follow in his daddy’s footsteps. I don’t know what my mom wanted to be, but it couldn’t be a receptionist at a small construction company. I’m sure she had dreams.
    “I’m just going to go shower.”
    “Hold up,” my dad barks out. I stop immediately, afraid to move a muscle. “You have a curfew and you missed it. I know your mom gave you