Lucy in the Sky

tickets to Maidstone in Kent to see his parents weeks ago.
    I look at James’s hopeful face. ‘Okay,’ I agree, and he crushes the breath out of me as he squeezes me tightly.
    ‘Thank you. Thank you,’ he sniffs into my hair.
    I feel sick.
    Later that night I tell James I’m going out for a walk. I want to call Nathan and I can’t do that from the house. But James guesses what I’m up to and begs me not to go. He looks so distraught and I can’t bear to see his anguish so I stay with him, accepting I’ll have to call Nathan the next day from work. In the end I busy myself packing a bag to take to James’s parents for Christmas, but I can’t shake the uneasiness I feel.
    James tries to make love to me that night. I tell him no, so he holds me tightly as we fall asleep instead. It’s suffocating.
    ‘Will you come and meet me later?’ he asks the following morning. It’s the Friday before Christmas and he’s having his work drinks that night. ‘I don’t have to go, though,’ he says. ‘If you don’t want me to, I won’t.’
    ‘No, it’s okay.’ I smile, uncomfortable with how accommodating he’s being. ‘I’ll come and meet you later with Chloe.’
    He pulls me in for another hug and I feel utterly helpless and out of control.
    I decide to walk to work and as soon as I cross over busy Marylebone Road and get onto the quieter streets, I’m dialling Nathan’s mobile.
    ‘Hi,’ he says warmly.
    I can’t believe I’m doing this. ‘Nathan…’ I start.
    ‘You’re not breaking up with him, are you?’ he asks sadly. Myeyes fill with tears and I try to choke back the golf ball that seems to have lodged itself in my throat. I make my way into Paddington Green Gardens, past the white statue of a little boy looking lost and forlorn, and take a seat on one of the benches.
    ‘I…don’t know…’ I dig around in my coat pocket for a tissue.
    ‘Lucy, it’s okay,’ he says. ‘I understand.’
    ‘Do you?’ I ask. ‘Because I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing!’ A woman in a business suit walks past and eyes me cautiously.
    ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I do.’
    Neither of us speaks for a moment and I just sit there with the phone to my ear as tears silently track mascara down my face.
    ‘Molly’s pregnant,’ he says quietly after a while.
    ‘Is she?’ I gasp. ‘That’s brilliant!’ I’m suddenly elated.
    ‘You can’t tell her you know, yet. She’s not quite twelve weeks gone, but Sam couldn’t keep it to himself. You’ll have to act surprised when she calls. Sorry if that makes it awkward for you.’
    ‘It’s okay. I’m so happy for them!’
    ‘Yeah.’ He pauses. ‘But it’s another reason why I have to go back.’
    Something inside me dies as I realise this is it. I’ve lost him. Even though I told James I would go home with him for Christmas, I didn’t really believe that was my fate. Now reality sinks in.
    James is my future. His parents will one day be my in-laws, and I see years and years of Christmases spanning out ahead of us, juggling our affections between Kent and Somerset and, finally, our home when we have a family of our own. Oh, God. I don’t know if I can bear it.
    ‘Will you stay in touch?’ I ask eventually, still trying to swallow the lump in my throat that seems to have doubled in size.
    ‘Of course.’
    Both of us know we can never have what we had. And that wasn’t much, but it was enough. I know I’ll always have him in my life, through Molly and Sam, but the thought of the future, hearing about him settling down with another girl, getting married and having children with her…I start to sob soundlessly.
    ‘Lucy,’ Nathan says. ‘I’ll always care about you.’ His voice breaks and it makes me cry harder. ‘Call me if you ever need anything, okay?’ He’s fighting back tears and I know I have to let him go. I want to tell him I love him but the words won’t come. My breathing slows and becomes more regular.
    ‘Okay,’ I answer. ‘Speak soon.’
    ‘Speak soon,’ he replies.
    Neither of us can bring ourselves to say the word ‘goodbye’. I listen with despair as the line goes dead.
    I stay there, sitting on the park bench dedicated to My Beloved Wife Jane, and realise that I’ll never again be able to listen to a joke, sit on a park bench, hear any number of songs, without thinking of Nathan. Surfing, Sydney, sharks, dolphins…Nathan. Molly, Sam…Nathan. I’m going to be unhappy for the rest of my life, I think, and