Lucy in the Sky

now.
    But I remain unwaveringly calm.
    ‘Lucy, I love you. I love you! You can’t just give up on us, not after all these years. Please! We can work this out!’
    ‘No, James,’ I shake my head, ‘we can’t. You know it as much as I do. If we were meant to be together you wouldn’t be…shagging Zoe.’
    ‘ What? ’ He looks at me as though I’ve just suggested he chop off his hand and use it as a doorstop.
    ‘I know, James, I think I’ve always known. I just haven’t wanted to admit it to myself.’
    ‘Lucy, you’re fucking nuts, do you know that? I AM NOT SHAGGING ZOE!’
    ‘You can deny it all you like,’ I respond, still calm. ‘I know it’s true.’
    He grabs his hair with his hands and pulls it so hard I’m terrified for a moment it might come out.
    ‘James, please stop,’ I beg him sadly. ‘It’s okay. It’s okay.’
    ‘No, it’s not bloody okay, Lucy! I love you, for fuck’s sake! I’m not shagging some silly bitch from work. I would never do that to you!’ he yells, in total exasperation.
    On another day I might just believe him.
    He flips open his phone.
    ‘What are you doing?’ I ask.
    ‘I’m calling Jeremy,’ he answers.
    ‘Why?’
    ‘I want him to tell us who sent that text.’
    ‘James, it’s okay, there’s no need.’
    ‘No, it’s not…Hi, Jeremy, it’s James. Look, buddy, I’ve got abit of a problem. Yeah…Yeah. You know back in February when Lucy went to Australia? Well, someone sent her a text from my phone. It’s okay, it’s no big deal; I just need to know who it was.’
    I wait patiently while he wheedles it out of Jeremy. Finally he hands the phone to me. I wave his hand away–I don’t want to speak to Jeremy–but James insists.
    ‘Hello?’
    Jeremy explains that he barely remembers it now but one of the guys did indeed text me from James’s phone when he went to the bar to get a round in. They all had a great laugh about it, and the following week had a whale of a time MSN messaging each other about why James had never said anything. Maybe they’d sent it to the wrong Lucy? Tee bloody hee.
    When he’s done telling me, I hang up and look at James’s expectant face.
    ‘It doesn’t mean anything.’
    ‘How can you say that?’ he demands.
    ‘You could’ve lined Jeremy up to do that just in case I ever asked. He would do that for you.’
    ‘That’s ridiculous! Is this about Zoe? Because I’ll call her too.’
    ‘Yeah, right, as though she’s going to admit to anything,’ I say sardonically.
    His shoulders hunch as he looks at me, bewildered.
    ‘Lucy, you’ve just lost your dad, you’ve been confused since you got back from Sydney, you’re not yourself at the moment. And that bloody dickhead sticking his oar in hasn’t helped!’ he adds heatedly, then laughs cynically. ‘ Has he stuck his oar in?’
    ‘No,’ I tell him truthfully.
    ‘Well, at least that’s something.’ He smiles wryly. ‘Baby, please. You don’t have to do this. We can’t just throw away four years.That… idiot will be gone soon and then what will you have? Nothing, Lucy, nothing. You will regret this, so much. Don’t do it, honey. Because once you go with him, I won’t take you back. I won’t!’ he insists fiercely.
    ‘And what about Zoe?’
    ‘What about her? Baby, you don’t really believe I’d do that to you, do you?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘What, so you think I’ve been going there and shagging her for weeks and you’ve just let me, have you?’ he asks sarcastically, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘Honey, that’s ludicrous. Why would you do that?’
    ‘Because it was the only way you’d let me see Nathan,’ I say simply.
    He looks at me like I’ve just slapped him hard across the face. Then he gets up, puts his coat on, and leaves. I don’t try to stop him.
    At some point in the middle of the night I wake up sleepily to find James’s arm around me. It feels nice, comforting, and I wriggle back against him without thinking. In the morning we’re still intertwined and I gently extricate myself. He opens his eyes and looks at me, blearily.
    ‘Baby,’ he pleads, trying to tenderly draw me back. His eyes are puffy and he looks like he’s been crying.
    ‘James, I can’t,’ I reply softly, and get out of bed. I go and wait in the living room in my dressing gown as he gets ready for work. I’m not going into Mandy Nim today.
    James comes through half an hour later with his briefcase, looking smart in his suit. He kneels down in