Much Obliged, Jeeves

now, Aunt D being conspicuous by her absence, so why wasn’t I out getting fresh air and sunshine.
    ‘You’re much too fond of frowsting indoors. That’s why you have that sallow look.
    ‘ ‘I didn’t know I had a sallow look.’
    ‘Of course you have a sallow look. What else did you expect? You look like the underside of a dead fish.’
    My worst fears seemed to be confirmed. I had anticipated that she would work off her choler on the first innocent bystander she met, and it was just my luck that this happened to be me. With bowed head I prepared to face the storm, and then to my surprise she changed the subject.
    ‘I’m looking for Harold,’ she said.
    ‘Oh, yes?’
    ‘Have you seen him? ‘
    ‘I don’t think I know him.’
    ‘Don’t be a fool. Harold Winship.’
    ‘Oh, Ginger,’ I said, enlightened. ‘No, he hasn’t swum into my ken. What do you want to see him about? Something important?’
    ‘It is important to me, and it ought to be to him. Unless he takes himself in hand, he is going to lose this election.’
    ‘What makes you think that?’
    ‘His behaviour at lunch today.’
    ‘Oh, did he take you to lunch? Where did you go? I had mine at a pub, and the garbage there had to be chewed to be believed. But perhaps you went to a decent hotel? ‘
    ‘It was the Chamber of Commerce luncheon at the Town Hall. A vitally important occasion, and he made the feeblest speech I have ever heard. A child with water on the brain could have done better. Even you could have done better.’
    Well, I suppose placing me on a level of efficiency with a water-on-the-brained child was quite a stately compliment coming from Florence, so I didn’t go further into the matter, and she carried on, puffs of flame emerging from both nostrils.
    ‘Er, er, er ! ‘
    ‘I beg your pardon?’
    ‘He kept saying Er. Er, er, er. I could have thrown a coffee spoon at him.’
    Here, of course, was my chance to work in the old gag about to err being human, but it didn’t seem to me the moment. Instead, I said:
    ‘He was probably nervous.’
    ‘That was his excuse. I told him he had no right to be nervous.’
    ‘Then you’ve seen him? ‘
    ‘I saw him.’
    ‘After the lunch?’
    ‘Immediately after the lunch.’
    ‘But you want to see him again?’
    ‘I do.’
    ‘I’ll go and look for him, shall I?’
    ‘Yes, and tell him to meet me in Mr. Travers’s study. We shall not be interrupted there.’
    ‘He’s probably sitting in the summerhouse by the lake.’
    ‘Well, tell him to stop sitting and come to the study,’ she said, for all the world as if she had been Arnold Abney M.A. announcing that he would like to see Wooster after morning prayers. Quite took me back to the old days.
    To get to the summerhouse you have to go across the lawn, the one Spode was toying with the idea of buttering me over, and the first thing I saw as I did so, apart from the birds, bees, butterflies, and what not which put in their leisure hours there, was L. P. Runkle lying in the hammock wrapped in slumber, with Aunt Dahlia in a chair at his side. When she sighted me, she rose, headed in my direction and drew me away a yard or two, at the same time putting a finger to her lips.
    ‘He’s asleep,’ she said.
    A snore from the hammock bore out the truth of this, and I said I could see he was and what a revolting spectacle he presented, and she told me for heaven’s sake not to bellow like that. Somewhat piqued at being accused of bellowing by a woman whose lightest whisper was like someone calling the cattle home across the sands of Dee, I said I wasn’t bellowing, and she said
    ‘Well, don’t.’
    ‘He may be in a nasty mood if he’s woken suddenly.’
    It was an astute piece of reasoning, speaking well for her grasp of strategy and tactics, but with my quick intelligence I spotted a flaw in it to which I proceeded to call her attention.
    ‘On the other hand, if you don’t wake him, how can you plead Tuppy’s cause?’
    ‘I said suddenly, ass. It’ll be all right if I let Nature take its course.’
    ‘Yes, you may have a point there. Will Nature be long about it, do you think?’
    ‘How do I know?’
    ‘I was only wondering. You can’t sit there the rest of the afternoon.’
    ‘I can if necessary.’
    ‘Then I’ll leave you to it. I’ve got to go and look for Ginger. Have you seen him?’
    ‘He came by just now with his secretary on his way to the summerhouse. He told me he had some dictation to do. Why do