Night Watch

major stared at all he could see of the prisoner, which was an oversized helmet and a nose.
    “Get it something to stand on, will you, Captain?” he said, and waited while a stool was found. It did not, all things considered, improve matters. It just gave rise to questions.
    “It’s got a Watch badge, Trooper. Is it some kind of mascot?”
    “Carved it meself out of soap,” said Nobby. “So I can be a copper.”
    “Why?” said the major. There was something about the apparition that, despite the urgency, called for a kind of horrified yet fascinated study.
    “But I’m thinking of going for a soldier if I grow up,” Nobby went on, giving the major a happy grin. “Much better pickin’s, the way things are going.”
    “I’m afraid you’ll never be tall enough,” said the major quickly.
    “Don’t see why not, the enemy reaches all the way to the ground,” said Nobby. “Anyway, people’re lying’ down when you get their boots off. Ol’ Sconner, he says the money’s in teeth and earrings, but I say every man’s bound to have a pair of boots, right? Whereas there’s a lot of bad teeth around these days and the false-teeth makers always demand a decent set—”
    “Do you mean to tell me that you want to join the army just to loot the battlefields?” said the major, completely shocked. “A little…lad like you?”
    “Once when ol’ Sconner was sober for two days together he made me a little set of soldiers,” said Nobby. “An’ they had these little boots that you could—”
    “Shut up,” said the major.
    “—take off, and tiny tiny little wooden teeth that you could—”
    “Will you shut up! ” said the major. “Have you no interest in honor? Glory? Love of city?”
    “Dunno. Can you get much for ’em?” said Nobby.
    “They are priceless! ”
    “Oh, well, in that case I’ll stick with the boots, if it’s all the same to you,” said Nobby. “You can sell them for ten pence a pair if you know the right shop—”
    “Look at Trooper Gabitass there!” said the major, now quite upset. “Twenty years service, a fine figure of a soldier! He wouldn’t stoop to stealing the boots of a fallen enemy, would you, trooper?”
    “No, sir! Mug’s game, sir!” said Trooper Gabitass. *
    “Er…yes. Right!” said the major. “You could learn a lot from men like Trooper Gabitass, Master Nobbs. By the sound of it, your time with the rebels has filled your head with very wrong ideas indeed. ”
    “I ain’t a rebel!” Nobby shouted. “Don’t you go calling me a rebel, I ain’t a rebel, I’m an Ankh-Morpork lad, I am, and proud of it! Hah, you are wrong, I’ve never been a rebel and you’re cruel to say so! I’m an honest lad, I am!”
    Big tears began to run down his cheeks, washing aside the grime to reveal the lower strata of grime beneath.
    The major had no experience of this sort of thing. Every available orifice on the little lad’s face seemed to be gushing. He looked for help to Gabitass.
    “You’re a married man, aren’t you, Trooper? What am we supposed to do now?”
    “I could give him a clout alongside the ear, sir,” said Trooper Gabitass.
    “That’s very unfeeling, Trooper! Look here, I had a handkerchief on me somewhere…”
    “Huh, I have my own wiper, thank you very much, I don’t have to be condescended at,” sniffed Nobby and pulled one out of his pocket. In fact, he pulled several dozen, including one with the initials C and M-S on it. They were tangled together like a conjuror’s flags-of-all-nations, and dragged with them several purses and half a dozen spoons.
    Nobby wiped his face with the first one, and thrust the entire collection back into his pocket. At this point, he realized that all the men were staring at him.
    “What? What?” he said defiantly.
    “Tell us about this man Keel,” said the major.
    “I don’t know nuffin’,” said Nobby automatically.
    “Aha, that means you do know something,” said the major, who was indeed the kind of person who liked this kind of little triumph.
    Nobby looked blank. The captain leaned forward to whisper to his superior officer.
    “Er, only under the rules of mathematics, sir,” he said. “Under the rules of common grammar, he is merely being emphat—”
    “Tell us about Keel!” the major shouted.
    “Tell you what, Major, why not leave that sort of thing to the experts?” said a voice.
    The major looked up. Carcer and his men had entered the tent. The sergeant was grinning