Now That Hes Gone

among your friends or family is almost certain to have a therapist they can recommend. If not, your clergyman/clergywoman can often be of help. Then there's the Internet again. It can help with this search, too.
    A key factor in choosing the right counselor for you is personal “chemistry.” How do you like her? Are you comfortable with her? Do you find it easy to talk to her? Do you get good “vibes” from her office? Virtually every counselor I know will let you come in and talk for a few minutes at no charge to see if you have the right chemistry for a professional relationship. Don't make this decision hastily. Remember, you'll be telling this person a lot of intimate details about your life. You'll be putting yourself in a vulnerable position and you'll be spending a good deal of money, so you must be able to trust her.
    There are no limits to what issues you can address with a therapist, and what you talk about is pretty much up to you. I'm going to suggest, however, that you ask your therapist for help in answering this key question: What's important to you?
    At this time in your life, you'll be making a lot of significant changes. Some of them you won't want to make, some you will. Many women find that, after their man is gone, much of what they did was only to accommodate him. Or that much of what they wanted to do never happened because their man didn't want to. Now that you're on your own, you have the opportunity, maybe for the first time in your life, to have things entirely your way, without compromising. Which leads back to the question, What's important to you?
    With the help of your counselor, play “What if?” That is, paint a picture of what you want your new life to look like. What do you love to do? Where would you love to go? What would you love to buy?
    Let's take the issue of work, for example. Now that you're on your own, your financial picture has probably changed significantly. Do you still need to work? If not, that doesn't automatically mean you should quit your job. Staying where you are can be comforting, a rock of stability in a much-changed landscape. If you aren't crazy about your current job, this can be your opportunity to change careers, or work at something just for the psychological rewards, rather than the money. What's important to you?
    What about getting away? If you don't need to work right now and have always wanted to spend, say, a month in Tuscany or a year in Provence, why not do it now? Maybe you've always wanted to tour the National Parks. Or drive coast-to-coast in no particular hurry. Without a man pushing you to roll up a certain number of miles every day, this might be a highly enjoyable experience! What's important to you?
    A counselor can also help you answer the question, “What don't you love?” Like visiting your former in-laws, for instance. Or going to hockey games. This can be a time in which you gratefully let go of some things in your old life that you endured for your man's sake, or just plain endured. A lot of women find this to be a most liberating experience. Keep what you like, get rid of what you don't. It all depends on what's important to you.
Choosing a Financial Advisor
    This is the area in which I feel most qualified, since I am a financial advisor and I specialize in helping women who have lost their man in mid-life. I've learned through experience that the financial area is where many women make their biggest mistakes—often costing them more than they can afford.
    The first big mistake is to automatically keep doing business with the same advisor you did when you and your man were together. I'm not saying that you should switch. I'm saying that you should not assume that your current advisor is necessarily the best for you just because he was doing what your man considered satisfactory. Let me illustrate with Katherine's story.
    Katherine was widowed in her mid-50's. A graying, overworked high school teacher, she was hoping to retire early with the help of a small pension, plus income from investments. She and her husband had done fairly well financially, and after his death she was left with about a million dollars in invested assets. Her financial advisor, who had previously dealt only with her husband, called her in to discuss how her financial strategy would change now that she was on her own. In the past, she had had almost no direct contact with this man and understood little of what he and her husband discussed, even when