Now That Hes Gone

pretended all kinds of marvelous scenarios in my imagination. As a mature woman, trying to succeed in the business world, I found that simply by pretending to be confident, I came across as poised and sure of myself, even when I was trembling inside. As a result, I was able to become reasonably successful doing what used to be called a man's job in what used to be called a man's world. Eventually, I did well enough to go independent and today I own my company and have all the financial freedom anyone, woman or man, could want.
The Lesson of the Messages

    When we're growing up, we all get messages—mostly from our parents, but also from relatives, teachers, counselors, the media and society at large. We have little control over the content of these messages. They are what they are. But we have a great deal of control over whether we accept them or not.
    A mother says to a little girl, “You must be sure to catch and keep a man because you need someone to take care of you.” She can accept that message and spend the rest of her life helpless and dependent. Or she can reject that message and spend her life proving she's strong and independent. In either case, she is the product of the messages that she was given early on.
    In this book, you've read about women who were raised with widely varying messages, and you've seen what they did with those messages. In your own life, you've swallowed a lot of what you were fed, but you also spit out a lot that was distasteful. Even if you've accepted and lived by your parents’ messages all your life up to now, you can still reject them and re-frame your life the way you want it to be.
    From my own experience, and from the experiences so many of my women clients have shared with me, here are some messages that I now know to be true. These are messages I urge you to consider in making your own plans, and in advising your daughters and granddaughters.
    First, today a woman can do virtually anything a man can do. There used to be a few professions, like priest or rabbi, that women couldn't do, but now even those are open to both sexes (in some sects). Doctor, lawyer, judge, firefighter, astronaut, combat pilot—name me a “man's job” and I'll show you a woman somewhere who's doing it. From this day on, resolve that neither you nor your daughters will allow yourself to be stopped by someone who tries to tell you a woman can't do a particular job.
    Second, when compared to other countries, America is the land of opportunity for women. Look at the situation in Japan, China and many European countries and you find that women in the U.S. have many more doors open to them, with new ones opening all the time. My clients who came from other countries often point this out to me. True equality is not here yet, but we are working on it. In the meantime, we in America have become so used to the great strides we've made that we lose sight of how different things were not too many years ago—and how different they still are in supposedly “developed” countries.
    You have a lot of life ahead of you. Right now the thought of living that life on your own, making a living, dealing with all your problems, may feel overwhelming. Can you handle it? When you're feeling lonely, when you're broke and can't see much to be hopeful about on the horizon, remember the lives of the women in this book. And remember the message their lives illustrate: you can always take care of yourself.
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Chapter 10 – How to Build Your Support Team
    In the last chapter, we looked at how important it is for you to take action. But if you are to become successful as a single, what are the best courses of action to take? If I can help you come away from this book with some clear and workable answers to that question, I will have achieved at least one of my purposes in writing it.
The Importance of Community
    Earlier we talked about how, after your man has gone, you inevitably will experience a loss of community, and how important it is to begin building a new one. I told you about my J.U.G.S. Club and suggested you find or start a group like that. Whether you choose to go that route or not, you are still going to want to contact a lot of different people: family, old friends, other women in your situation—the list can get pretty long. How can you do this? Of course, there's the phone, many a woman's best friend. But one of the easiest and most efficient ways to build community nowadays