Now That Hes Gone

the Army and had only a temporary deferment so he could complete his training in psychiatry. Remember, this was the late 1960's and the Viet Nam war was going full blast. Using an excuse that is not allowed any more, thank goodness, the companies that turned me down reasoned that if they hired me, as soon as my husband went on active duty, I'd be gone. The only job I could land was teaching math in an inner-city high school to kids whose IQs were under 79. I had no idea how to teach and was immediately overwhelmed. On top of that, I had my first child, Jeremy.
    In an effort to learn how to deal with the problems of my intellectually-challenged students, I went to school at night and earned a Master's in Special Education. Sure enough, my husband was called to active duty as soon as he completed his training and went into the Army as a major. He was sent to Ft. Lewis, Washington, where he counseled young G.I.'s going to and from the horrors of war—and where I had my second child, Jennifer.
Divorce Number One
    Two highly educated parents, two bright and beautiful children, a future full of promise. Ours should have been a happy family. It was not. My husband was never satisfied with anything. Wherever we moved, he didn't like it. And we moved a lot—18 times in 12 years. All this disruption was making my children confused and insecure. It drove me crazy, but I always deferred to him. I was always afraid to confront him and take care of myself. Since I wouldn't stand up and fight, I retreated. In 1978, I filed for divorce and moved back to Michigan, near my parents.
    By solving my marriage problem, I created a whole batch of new ones, not the least of which was how to support my family in the style to which we had become accustomed. Teaching high school math did not pay nearly enough, so I went to a local university and got an MBA in finance. I figured if I wanted to make money, I should learn as much about it as I could. My parents, bless them, came to my house and watched my kids while I went to school at night. Once I got the MBA, I landed a job in a large financial services firm. I was one of three women in an office of 75. Highly motivated to prove that I was as good as any of those men, I worked hard and did just that. My numbers were right up there with the “big boys.” I was making it in a man's world.
    In 1980, I got married again, this time to a talented architect who in personality was the exact opposite of my first husband. He was relaxed, fun-loving and not the least bit controlling. He let me make all my own decisions about my life. This sounds good—and to an extent it was. But he was so “laid-back” and easygoing, he was like an adolescent who never grew up. Though he gave me a lot of freedom, it was because he was so self-centered, he really didn't care about what I was dealing with. The two of us were growing older, but I was maturing and he wasn't.
Divorce Number Two
    In 1997, I got divorced for the second time. I found myself on my own again at the age of 50. I began to experience all of the things we've discussed in this book already: the loss of companionship, the loss of community, the emotion of having given up more than I could recover. I was devastated, feeling perhaps somewhat like you're feeling now. The easiest thing to do was to lose myself in my work, concentrate on my family and forget everything else. So that's what I did. Instead of starting to feel better, as I had hoped, I just felt worse.
    As I was “recovering” from my divorce, I heard about a workshop for people in my situation. Out of desperation, I signed up for it. In the course of this workshop, I evaluated my life and came to the realization that it had gone all out of balance. True, I had lots of work and a full family life. But other, important ingredients were missing. For one thing, I was spiritually empty. For another, my network of friends was almost non-existent. So I made a decision to work on those missing ingredients.
The Search for Balance
    Always “the smart one,” I began to read books on spiritual topics. Through most of my life, I had been an agnostic. I had been raised in a religious family but, up to that point, God had not played much of a role in my life. Now all that began to change as I learned to pray. Much to my surprise and delight, it worked. I was getting real benefits from prayer, like learning to accept what is and not trying to change what I can't control. I learned that some things