On an Edge of Glass

that summer internship thingy, Ainsley, Payton, and I were talking—”
                  “Stop right there!”  I interrupt.  This can’t be going anywhere good.  For nearly a week, my three best friends have been driving me crazy with their wonky schemes to get Ben and me back together.   “I never should have told those two about Ben.  Now, you guys have joined forces and made it your mission in life to embarrass me.  It’s like I’m in a re-imagined version of some crappy movie like The Parent Trap. ”
                  Mark rolls his eyes.  “First of all, you didn’t tell Payton and Ainsley about Ben.  They already knew, so spare me.  Secondly, that is a really good movie, Ellie.”
                  I smile and bow my head.  “Fair enough.  I know you’re going to do it anyway, so you might as well spill it.  What’s the latest strategy?  Plastic surgery?  Piercings?  Am I supposed to send Ben a strip-o-gram?” 
                  Mark puts his hands up.  His eyes are wide and amused.  “Hey!  That was Payton’s idea, not mine.”
                  I laugh.
                  “Anyway, I want to be clear that this proposition is reasonable and doesn’t involve you taking any of your clothes off.  That is, unless you want to.”  He winks.             
    I roll my hands and tip my head, indicating that he should get on with it.
                  “Well…  Payton said that Ben mentioned to her in passing that his band is playing at The Blind Bear on Saturday night.  And, he indicated that it would be cool if you all went.”
                  My stomach drops.  The last time I went to see Ben’s band play ended up in disaster.  “I don’t know…”     
                  Mark puts his hand on top of mine.  “You have to take a chance sometime Ellie-bear.  I don’t want you to live the rest of your life with this regret.”
    I close my eyes.  It’s the regret that gets me.  
    Regret .  It’s a lot like hunger—clawing you from the inside out. 
                  Henry David Thoreau said: “Never look back unless you’re going that way.” Smart words—right?  My dad has it engraved on a paperweight that sits on his desk, and I chose it as my senior quote for my high school year book.  Don’t look back.  No regrets.  It’s a good motto to live by.  Until you have a stack full of regrets on your night side table.  Then, looking back seems like the only honest thing to do. 
                  The more I let myself think about Ben, the more I realize how badly I screwed up.  I should have given him the chance to explain.  I should have trusted him when it came to Lily.
    Instead, I stuck my fingers in my ears like a little kid .  I hummed and stomped my feet because I was scared of the way that Ben made me feel—of what he made me feel.  I was terrified by the hugeness of it all. 
    I open my eyes and Mark is watching me, his face expectant. 
    “Okay,” I say firmly.  “Let’s do it.”
    “No regrets,” he chimes and takes a massive bite out of his sandwich.
     
     
    Payton insists that I let her dress me.  Again. 
    She sifts first though my closet, then hers , finally deciding to pair my dark jeans with one of her low-cut black tops and a simple patterned scarf that loops around my neck twice.  Once the outfit is chosen, Ainsley takes over.  She pins my hair away from my face and slips large silver hoops into my ears and a matching bracelet cuff on my wrist.  Then, she lines my eyes with her dark kohl liner and smears a deep plum-colored gloss over my lips. 
    After the primping, I look in the mirror and smile.  I look like myself—just a slightly sexier version.  I slip the strap of my bag over my head and let it fall across my chest to complete the ensemble.  I can tell that Mark approves by the way that he nods his head and holds out his arm to me.  Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I’m beginning to feel like tonight is going to be special.
    The whole way to the bar , my friends chatter at me.  Mark is driving.  I’m in the passenger seat.  Ainsley is just behind me and she’s got her hands wrapped around the headrest and she’s telling me all the things she thinks that I need to remember.  She’s deemed herself some sort of relationship guru now that she and Brandon are an official item.