Pictures of Lily

allowed myself to properly dwell on Ben all week and I haven’t cried for days. He’s done the decent thing by me and has acted like business as usual so I’m hoping he’s on his way to forgetting about my strange behaviour at his house. I’ve tried to think of ways to explain it, but can’t come up with a decent enough lie so I know I have to leave it.
    Now though, sitting here at his favourite place in the city, a wave of sadness and grief pulses through me. He’s the only person in this whole country who I really want to spend time with. When he goes, it’s all gone. I’m over Josh – that was just a fleeting attraction – and I have no friends of my own. Ben looked out for me, he listened to me, and now he’s leaving.
    Tears well up in my eyes and I surreptitiously brush them away, aware of strangers lazing in the sun nearby. In my peripheral vision I see a man with sandy blond hair and my heart stops, but I realise almost immediately that it’s not Ben. What would I do if it were? If he sat down beside me now, would I be able to hide the pain I’m in? Would I tell him how I feel? I honestly don’t think I’d be able to stop myself and oh . . . that would be so humiliating. I wouldn’t have the strength of character to see out the rest of my summer at work – I’d have to quit immediately.
    The thought of all this brings my tears to a halt and I suddenly feel full of determination to sort myself out. I can’t ever let him see what he means to me. Maybe I need to find someone else to take my mind off him. Shane is nice, but no, I don’t fancy him. I don’t fancy any of Josh’s friends. It would be good to meet Shane’s sister though. What was her name again? Sammy, or something like that? Tammy, that’s it. She’s just broken up with her boyfriend; perhaps we could go out on the town together and take our minds off our heartbreak. Not that I plan on telling her about Ben. I’ll never tell anyone about him.
    I’m still full of resolve when Josh tells me he’s popping into Hahndorf that night for a couple of drinks. Michael and Mum are nursing hangovers and can’t quite believe we’d consider going out again, but it’s Saturday night and quite frankly, I think I need to spend at least a few hours of 1 January 2000 with people my own age.
    ‘Who else is going?’ I ask when he mentions it.
    ‘The usual gang,’ he replies. ‘Are you wondering about anyone in particular?’
    ‘No, not really.’
    ‘Good.’
    My curiosity gets the better of me. ‘Why?’
    ‘Just checking,’ he says.
    ‘What are you checking about?’ I’m a little irritated now.
    ‘I’m making sure you’re not wanting anyone in particular to go tonight.’
    ‘Anyone in particular like whom?’ I demand to know.
    ‘Are you getting changed or what?’ He gives me a pointed stare.
    I glance down at my shirt with its tomato ketchup stain on the front. ‘Er, yes.’
    ‘Wear something nice for me,’ he says with a look that would make most girls go weak at the knees. But it has no effect on me; I just ignore it and head down the corridor to my bedroom. I’m absentmindedly unbuttoning my shirt and removing a skirt from the cupboard when out of the corner of my eye I see Josh standing in the doorway.
    ‘Josh!’ I pull my shirt closed over my bra.
    ‘What? It’s not like I haven’t seen girls naked before,’ he says flippantly.
    ‘But you haven’t seen ME naked before! GET OUT!’ I storm over and slam the door in his face.
    Despite that little episode, I do make an effort to get dressed up that night, putting on make-up and high heels so I look older than my years. I’m steeling myself for a night out socialising. I don’t really feel like it, but I need to get my head into making new friends and moving on.
    We arrive in Hahndorf to find Shane, Brian and Alex sitting at a wooden bench table out the front.
    ‘Hey guys!’ I say brightly.
    ‘Happy New Year,’ Shane responds, patting the bench space next to him.
    ‘Lily,’ Josh snaps, grabbing hold of my arm. ‘Are you going to go to the bar?’
    ‘ You go to the bar, mate!’ Brian exclaims. ‘Don’t be a cheapskate.’
    Josh grudgingly lets go of my arm and I slide in next to Shane, bemused.
    ‘What’s everyone having?’ Josh asks.
    Beer, beer, beer, cider.
    He sets off to the bar with a foul look on his face. He doesn’t think I fancy Shane, does he? So what if I do? Obviously I don’t, but what’s Josh’s problem?
    ‘Did you all