Savage Tales

and to my surprise it worked). He – Rick, who I'd like to thank also – began to unfold a tale the likes of which I had never heard before in my life, and which I guess the world had never heard before either. It concerned a Chinese man, Yung Lip, and his dull common origin in a squalid mining town in China. Yeah, I thought China was our economic enemy too, but I guess in the fictional world of movies anything can happen. One day as Yung Lip was walking with his chums to the mines, he saw by the side of the road a badminton racket and birdie that had probably been discarded by an uncaring American tourist.
    "He beat his friend to the racket and birdie and took them home to show to his parents and sisters in their squalid one-room condo. They looked on Wikipedia and figured out what it was. And then the boy began to play.
    "He had no partner so for the first few years he played alone, hitting that damned birdie against the wall and not really improving. But then one day as he was jogging around the city with his racket in hand – already feeling a magic boiling within him – a wealthy factory owner saw him and felt mirth on seeing the jubilant Yung and his gay face. He asked his driver to call the young man over.
    "Yung Lip bid the call, initially sneering at the aristocrat, but he finally agreed to join the man for a ride around town, arriving at his mansion where they played several hours of badminton. The wealthy factory owner was in fact Li 'Bird' Ki, former Olympic badminton gold medalist, and he saw in Yung Lip a young version of himself. On a billionaire's whim, he told the boy to quit his job in the mines and come to his home each day. Never mind the two dollars a day he received… Li Ki would pay his wages.
    "And so the training began. For fifteen hours a day he played. Sometimes against the aging billionaire, sometimes against his staff and concubines, but always improving, defeating the others, and raising the bar.
    "Did the billionaire and his young ward become lovers as depicted in our film? Who can say? Both Li Ki and Yung Lip have publicly denied this and tried to sue us… but perhaps the lady doth protest too much, ha ha ha.
    "I think we all know the story from there. Yung Lip entered the 2004 Olympics as a virtual unknown, and swept the other contestants aside like so much dust. It was a feat to behold. The 2008 Olympics were even more of a brutal strike from this Chinese colossus, and it's little wonder that the assassination attempts began to pile up around this time.
    "Yung Lip's tragical death in a so-called car accident reeked of conspiracy. When I read that script – every word of it – I knew this thing was dynamite. I knew we had a story to tell, whether it was true or not, and I'd leave it to the public to decide.
    "Well, I think this sparkly statue in my palm is proof that the world believes our tale. The imposter that replaced Yung Lip – who claims he survived the gruesome car accident – has no right to sue us, since he is not the man he claims to be. The aging billionaire is untrustable due to his homosexual affair with the star athlete. The only people we can rely on are the people involved in this film, especially me.
    "I suppose I must also address the criticism of me, a white Caucasian man portraying a brown Asian man. Not fair, they say. Inappropriate, they cry. Not right, they write (in their emails to me). Why not let an Asian man portray an Asian man?
    "Yes, and for that matter, why not let an Indian man portray Gandhi and not that white guy they got for the job? And why not let a real alien portray E.T.? And why not let a real giant gorilla portray King Kong? I think we know the answer and it goes without saying.
    "The answer is that they – us – got the best man for the job. Not that I'm being racist against women. If a woman had been the best candidate, then she would have been the best man for the job. God only knows that some of those sporty chicks are pretty manly. But in this case, I was manlier, more right. For that reason, I'm glad God and the universe arranged this opportunity to come my way. I portrayed the best Yung Lip I knew how to portray, having watched every YouTube clip of him that I could uncover.
    "Well, I think I've gone on long enough. I'd like to thank my wife and adopted children. My agent, Lou, who reads faster than me because otherwise I would just read through all the scripts he gets myself. And Donald – you are the best director in the