Seriously... I'm Kidding

I’ve had a lot of magicians and illusionists perform on my show and I am always in awe of what they can do. I actually learned a mind-reading trick and I thought I would try it out on you if you’d like.
    All you have to do is think of a number. Any number.
    Are you thinking of it?
    Okay, say it out loud.
    Now turn the page.
    That’s what I was thinking of.
    Ahhh! Isn’t that freaky?!

Girl Power

    T he bra. Disposable diapers. Wite-Out. A medical syringe. Windshield wipers. Chocolate chip cookies. Spanx.
    What do all of these things have in common? They’re all in my shopping cart right now. Shoot. I must have taken someone else’s cart by accident. I hate when that happens.
    Well, anyway. Do you know what else these things have in common? They were all invented by a woman. Not the same woman. They were each invented by different women over the course of the last hundred years or so. (That would be incredible if the same woman invented all of those things. What an eclectic and potentially unstable person that would be!)
    And those are just a few of the things that female ladies have invented. The list goes on and includes things that have become staples in our everyday lives, like the car heater, the dishwasher, the electric washing machine, and perhaps one of the greatest inventions of our time, the trash can with a foot pedal. We take so many of these things for granted and yet without the women who invented them, we would be cold, filthy people with soiled dishes, disgusting cans, and unruly breasts.
    I’m very proud to be a woman. I’ve been one my whole life. And I know that without the amazing and inspiring women who came before me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I grew up admiring strong, funny women like Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett. Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, and Oprah Winfrey paved the way for me to be doing exactly what I’m doing. Oprah paved the way with actual gold because she had some left over from when she paved her driveway.
    And now that I have my own show on television I feel a sense of responsibility to follow in their footsteps and have a positive influence on the young girls and women who watch me every day. That’s why I keep things light and upbeat and it’s why I try to have powerful and influential women on my show to serve as examples for the people at home. I love having women like Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton on my show. I also love having regular, everyday women on my show with inspiring stories about their personal journeys. And one time I had a woman on who could bend over backward and put a hat on her head using only her feet. If that’s not inspiring, I don’t know what is.
    My show is targeted to women. I know men watch, too, and I’m happy about that. I like to think men, women, children, and cats can enjoy my contagious wit in equal measure. But overall the audience for my show is mostly made up of women. I don’t know exactly what the demographics are. It’s a very confusing and complicated system that only people with high government clearance levels can fully understand. But I believe our key demographic is women 25 to 54 years old. Beyond that we try to target Armenians between the ages of 35 and 80, and women named Diane between the ages of 18 and 104.
    I don’t know if that’s right. And don’t even get me started on the ratings system. From what I understand, there’s a gentleman in a basement somewhere keeping track of who turns their televisions on between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. and he writes it down on a piece of lint and then, based on his annual report and opinion, shows get canceled or picked up.
    Anyway, I just want to able to use the platform I have in front of millions of people around the world every day for good things. I want young girls to know that they should dream big and that if they put their minds to it they can accomplish anything. When I go out and do my show every day I’m thinking two things: Can I inspire someone today? And will my guests have good breath?
    I always think of that James Brown song “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” when I think about girl power. I also think of the Spice Girls, which makes me think about spices, which makes me think about food, which makes me hungry, which makes me need to eat a sandwich every time that song comes on the radio.
    I like James Brown but that song is so wrong. It’s not just a man’s, man’s, man’s world. It’s also a woman’s,