Seriously... I'm Kidding

loves joint pain or hates getting places quickly. I hope that lady’s not in a hurry because she is not going anywhere fast. She might as well be wearing high heels. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually seen anyone wearing high heels and a bathing suit on the beach. I’ve seen it on The Price Is Right , that’s for sure. Plinko is such a fun game.
    We inflict a lot of pain on ourselves, don’t we? We walk in high heels and wear flip-flops. Just a thin piece of rubber with a plastic strap jammed between our toes. That’s acceptable to us as footwear. We get bikini waxes. We pinch ourselves when things are going well. Why can’t we just be hairy and wear sensible shoes and kiss ourselves all over when we’re happy? I guess that’s what a hippy is. I should move up north and become a hippy.
    Shoot, I can’t. I have a dentist appointment next week.
    Ahhhhhhhh. I’m just gonna close my eyes for a second.
    That sandbar incident was embarrassing. I wish I had asked more questions before I swam out there. It’s called a sandbar. Surely I’m not the first person to swim out there and expect a dolphin to make me a mai tai. They should just call it a lump of sand in the middle of the ocean instead of a sandbar. Stupid ocean. Whatever. I’m over it.
    I mean, I wouldn’t point and laugh at someone if I sent them to a koi pond and they expected the pond to be shy. It sounds like “coy” pond. Whatever. I’m over it for real this time.
    Ooh, I feel something on my arm. I hope it’s not a squirrel. Nope. It’s an ant. That’s sweet. Hi, ant.
    I wonder why we call people antsy. Ants don’t seem to be antsy. If anything, the way they build their tiny little ant huts, they seem very patient and calm. And why is having ants in your pants an expression? I’m sure someone had something else in his or her pants that was just as bothersome before anyone had ants in their pants. Why isn’t it flies in your pants or breadcrumbs in your pants or porcupines in your pants? That would be annoying, too. Poor ants. They really get the what-for just because their name rhymes with “pants.”
    I should call my aunt.
    Boats are pretty. That boat is stopping near that sandbar. Probably expecting to get some drinks. Idiots. They don’t serve drinks there. It’s just a strip of sand.
    You know what’s a funny word? “Palm frond.” “Frond” is a funny word. I wish I had a friend named Frond. This is my friend Frond. This is Frond, my friend. Uh-oh, I said that out loud, too. Now that man is really looking at me. He thinks I’m crazy. The gall of that man to think I’m crazy for talking out loud. I’m not crazy. I’m sure he’s had the same kind of thoughts. I bet he wishes he had a friend named Frond.
    I’m just gonna smile at him. Nope, I shouldn’t have done that. I think I have some brownie stuck to my front tooth. Now he thinks I’m really crazy for talking out loud and missing a front tooth. It’s not like talking out loud and missing a tooth makes you crazy. There are a lot of things that make you crazy, like pushing around a shopping cart all day. I don’t want to label people but usually someone who is not completely balanced has a shopping cart.
    Actually, that’s a smart idea. I should get a shopping cart. What a great invention that is. I don’t carry a purse. I usually put everything I need in my pockets. But it might be fun to push a shopping cart around. I’d put so much stuff in there. People would be like, “Did you just come from the grocery store?” And I’d be like, “No, you fool, this is my purse on wheels.” That’s what I’d call it—a purse on wheels. Or POW. No, I guess I can’t call it that. I don’t want people thinking I’m pushing around a prisoner of war. But maybe if I add an exclamation mark like POW! people would pronounce it like “Wow,” but “Pow!” I don’t know. I guess it would be hard to get it in my car anyway, my purse on wheels. Oh well.
    Hola. That’s how you say hello in Spanish. I knew it would come to me. See, I’m not crazy, sir! Whoops. I said that out loud.

Romance: A Short Short Story

    L evar and Belinda felt an immediate attraction to one another the moment their eyes met at the Aerosmith reunion tour concert. It was as if they’d known each other their whole lives. They ran to Belinda’s house because it was closer, and they embraced. Was it wrong? Or was it the most right thing ever? They cuddled by the fire, his hand upon her thigh,