Seriously... I'm Kidding

a part I’m playing in a French movie called Le Mysterious Lady .
I really like to get into my roles even when I’m practicing and that’s why I quickly grabbed the Segway from the security guard who started to approach us. You know how every French film has an exciting getaway scene where a car drives down a long set of steps? That’s what I was trying to emulate when I took the Segway down that escalator. I realize now that was very dangerous and it was unfortunate timing that I yelled that minute-long series of very adult words just as those children were leaving the Build-A-Bear Workshop. But you have to admit the way they repeat those words in their tiny little voices is adorable.
As for the money I took out of the mall fountain, that’s a much simpler explanation. After the commotion at Pottery Barn and the Segway chase and my purely coincidental makeover into a geisha at the makeup counter at Bloomingdale’s, I stood next to the fountain to take a breather. I saw some children making wishes and throwing money into it and I happened to tell them that the more money they throw in, the more likely it is that their wishes will come true. I mean, a penny doesn’t get you anything nowadays and kids need to learn that lesson. It was my understanding that any money they threw in the fountain that exceeded one cent then belonged to me. I definitely didn’t realize that my getting in the fountain to claim my money would result in such an intense underwater handstand competition between so many people.
I realize that you still might be interested in pressing charges, but I have to say if it wasn’t for all the stress Carol caused by breaking the vase, none of this would have happened.
Sincerely and fondly,
Ellen
PS—If you’re wondering how three of the horses from the carousel next to the food court ended up in my backyard, I am happy to explain that in a separate letter.

How to Become a Billionaire

     
Make a lot of money.
Don’t spend it.

5 Extremely Easy Ways to Make a Lot of Money

     
Win the Mega Millions jackpot.
Create a social networking site that every single person on Earth and elsewhere wants to join.
Write a hit song using the word “love” and the phrase “I remember.” People go crazy for songs about love and memories.
Write a wildly successful series of novels about magical teenage vampire hobbits.
Have a major Hollywood studio turn novels about aforementioned magical teenage vampire hobbits into a gigantic motion picture franchise.

    There. Easy.

Inside My Head

    I ’m on vacation right now. Or as some people say, I’m on holiday. Or as other people say, I’m paying a lot of money to sit on a beautiful beach and do nothing but eat, sleep, and eat. I’ve had a pretty busy couple of years and this is the first time in a long time that I can take a break and just sit down, relax, and think about nothing. I’m just gonna let my mind wander. I’m gonna sit here and stare at the water and, even though it sounds irresponsible, I’m going to let my mind just go off on its own… walk away… wherever it wants to go… totally unsupervised.
    Here we go.
    Ahhhhhhhhhhh. This feels nice. The ocean breeze is like Mother Nature softly blowing in my face. Usually I don’t like it when people blow right in my face, especially if they’ve just smoked a cigarette or had some coffee or a bite of Gouda, but this is nice.
    The ocean is beautiful. It’s crystal blue. Almost turquoise, or aquamarine. Aqua. Hmm. “Aqua” is only one letter away from “ agua ,” which is Spanish for “water.” I wonder if that’s on purpose. The agua is aqua. That’s fun to say. Oops, I just said that out loud. The gentleman next to me just glared at me. I’m sorry, sir. I’m sorry that I’m so smart and I know that “ agua ” means “water” in Spanish. I also know how to say “hello” in Spanish. I can’t remember it right now, but I’ll think of it in a minute. So take that, sir.
    There’s someone walking by in flip-flops. That looks uncomfortable—she’s kicking up sand everywhere. She’s gonna find sand in places she didn’t even know she had later. I bet it’ll end up in her bed. I can just picture her turning over in the middle of the night after having a dream about Goldie Hawn chasing her down a spiral staircase in Guadalajara and she’ll get a face full of sand. Maybe she wants that. Sand can be exfoliating.
    I wonder who invented the flip-flop. It must’ve been someone who