Seriously... I'm Kidding

and talked of their future. Then they did stuff to each other all night long.

Dreams

    I am fascinated by people’s dreams. Not dreams like, “I wanna be a pilot when I grow up!” Those are stupid and boring. I mean the dreams you have when you go to sleep at night. Or—because I don’t mean to exclude anybody—if you’re an owl reading this, the dreams you have when you go to sleep during the day.
    Dreams are supposed to represent things going on in our subconscious mind. And I don’t know how you feel about it, but that terrifies me. What in the world can be going on in my subconscious mind that makes me dream I’m a loom worker living in Albuquerque in the house I grew up in with Jamie Lee Curtis, three lions, and Kermit the Frog? Actually, never mind. I don’t want to know.
    I realize I just forced you to read a description of one of my dreams. I know it can be annoying when your friends make you listen to their dreams, so I don’t usually do that to people. I’m sure y’all have crazy dreams of your own to analyze and I’m not here to burden you with mine! That would be really, really annoying.
    Except last night I did have a dream you should hear about because you were in it. I know that sounds crazy, but you were. You. Yes, you. Don’t look over your shoulder. I mean, you you. The reader. You and I were ice-skating in Germany with the pope and Colonel Sanders. Crazy, right? I know! I had no idea they hung out together. Colonel Sanders wasn’t a very good ice-skater and he kept falling down. But the pope was amazing—he kept doing these figure eights that were truly Olympic caliber. I asked him if he’d ever be interested in joining my ice hockey league. In my dream I was in an ice hockey league. It was very surprising because in real life I’ve never stepped foot on an ice-skating rink. It’s not that I can’t skate, I just don’t like to be that cold. And also I can’t skate.
    The pope said he was interested but I have to be honest—it felt like one of those “Yeah… sure… I’ll call you to talk about it” answers. But I understood. He’s the pope.
    Anyway, at one point I noticed you had some sauerkraut on your lip, so I said, “You have some sauerkraut on your lip.” And you were like, “Here?” And I was like, “No, other side.” So you tried to remove it with your tongue, but when your tongue came out of your mouth it was about three feet long, like some reptile. And then—and then—you turned into a Komodo dragon. You know, those big lizards you find on islands near Japan. So I start to think, “Oh great. How am I gonna get these ice skates off of this Komodo dragon and return them?” because they were rented and I had left a ten-dollar deposit. And at that point I wasn’t sure if you were a Komodo dragon and still my friend or just a real Komodo dragon—and Komodo dragons are poisonous, not to mention how strong their tails are. So I said, “Betsy”—Is that your name? Well, it was in the dream. Anyway, I said “Betsy” to find out if you knew you were a Komodo dragon. I thought if you were still Betsy you could speak like a human, even with that tongue.
    Well, what happened next, you won’t believe! You didn’t answer me. Instead, you just started singing. You got up on your hind legs, balancing on your tail, and started belting out some old Broadway musical. Ethel Merman suddenly appeared and was singing with you. A large crowd gathered all around and when you both finished the tune, everyone applauded and cheered. People were saying, “Hey, that Komodo dragon can really sing.” I said, “That’s Betsy. She’s my friend.” I was so proud of you. You bowed and you scratched Ethel Merman with your tail, but she was so happy with your performance she didn’t even mind.
    Then two seconds later, somehow we were back in the States and it was the early nineties and you were on Star Search . You were still part Komodo dragon, and I had a special gown made for you so your tail could stick out. It was very expensive. You were a little nervous to sing in front of Ed McMahon because you loved him so much, but you sang great. You got two and three-quarter stars. Unfortunately, you were beaten by the rock group Journey.
    You were heartbroken that you lost, so I took you out to a bar to have a few cocktails. We were having a great time until some drunk guy started making fun of your dress. I punched him in the stomach, and I got thrown out. You didn’t even